“That said, I’d go out on a date with him”

Sometimes when I have Facebook friends in common with people on Tinder, I take a screenshot of the profile in question and send it over. People get a serious kick out of this. I’m not sure why. Maybe because it’s all the joys of matchmaking without any of the risks: “You’re both on Tinder. You both have to swipe right to match. I can tell you what I know, but you’re on your own.”

Whereas matchmaking…that’s a minefield. With barbed wire. And spikes. And violent mountain goats. All floating on a mudswamp made of tears from squishy, tender, easily hurt feelings.

Or maybe people are just really, really insanely amused to find out their friends are on Tinder and get a peek at their profiles. Despite its prevalence, it does still feel a little illicit. Especially when it’s your boss or ex or friend’s ex or friend’s current. This has not happened to me. I will stay on Tinder until it does.

Please, God. Are you there? It’s me, Margaret. I want to find a really, really great profile of someone I know on Tinder. Also I have a few remaining questions about my period, because really. What were you thinking.

I have this theory that Tinder’s algorithm stacks profiles. There was a night where I had the same 12 friends in common with every single profile I swiped on. There was a night of all bearded dudes. There was a night of all Asian dudes in glasses. There was a night of all blondes. They’re experimenting on me and I know it and I don’t care.

On this night, I came across a guy and our friend in common was my brother-in-law’s brother-in-law. I don’t know what that makes him and I. His nearly-3-year-old daughter thinks we’re brother and sister. But she also thinks that my sister and I live together, and her actual uncle, my sister’s husband, is just “around sometimes.”

I emailed my brother-in-law’s brother-in-law. Let’s call him John Stamos. He has a new baby daughter and a toddler, but parents with new babies are often on their iphones in the middle of the night.

And married people love Tinder.

I pretty frequently end up pulling my phone out to show people what Tinder looks like. Remember, Tinder only exploded in the last two or three years, and so even people who were online dating before they got married haven’t seen it.

I consider it a service, this whole answering-questions-and-doing-demonstrations thing. Educational. Entertaining. Generous.

You’re welcome.

from: Maggie 
to: John Stamos
date: Thu, 9:30 pm

Hey John Stamos,

All my love to your new little girl! Can’t wait to celebrate.
In the meantime, you want to review this guy for me?

from: John Stamos
to: Maggie
date: Thu, 9:31 pm

Omg, I’m on Tinder?

from: Maggie 
to: John Stamos
date: Thu, May 7, 2015 at 9:32 pm

As a mutual friend, yes….you’re famous!

from: John Stamos
to: Maggie
date: Thu, 9:46 pm

Weird, I vaguely remember signing up for it not really knowing what it was. I’m glad I can help.

[Name] is cool! I worked with him at [place of business]. Did a ski trip with our group and we took a lesson together in 2008 I think. Since then he now works out with Shaun T.

He went to [school name] and definitely embodies that still.  He’s pretty witty and what I remember has a really dry sense of humor.

He’s a software engineer.  Not a developer or a coder.  Remember that as it is a very important distinction. [Will somebody for the love of god please tell me the difference?!?]

He really likes the [sports team] too.

Is this helping?  I’m kind of just summarizing what I remember through Facebook over the years to be honest. That said, I’d go out on a date with him.

from: John Stamos
to: Maggie
date: Thu, 9:49 pm

Btw how do I get off tinder?

from: Maggie 
to: John Stamos
date: Thu, May 7, 2015 at 10:08 pm

You’re not on Tinder. You showed up because you’re Facebook friends with both of us. It shows mutual friends. This, by the way, is a funny and very detailed review of what amounts to his FB status updates over many years.

from: John Stamos
to: Maggie
date: Thu, 10:27 pm

:-). To be honest I’ve probably only conversed with him a handful of times. I probably should have been more upfront about this. I hope this doesn’t make it into your blog. I’m sorry.

date: Sat, May 23, 11:27 am 
baby shower for John Stamos’s 2nd daughter
John Stamos’s wife to Maggie

Please put this on your blog.