To the Office of the Vice President:

First, thank you for your continued service to this country.

Second, it seems there is the need for some clarification regarding your duties and responsibilities. I would like to remind you that any information regarding the lawful parameters of your role can be found in the United States Constitution. If you’re having trouble pinpointing where, try Article 1 Section 3, and Article 2 Section 1. If you would like to know what will happen in case of your death, refer to the 25th Amendment. If you’re still having trouble, a summary is provided below:

  • Article 1 Section 3: if there’s a tie in the Senate, you can break it. You might not want to, there are political repercussions.
  • Article 2 Section 1: you can open an envelope. In the presence of others. So the votes inside can be counted (not by you).
  • 25th Amendment: if the President dies, and you die, the House Speaker gets the spot. If he dies, the president pro tempore, and if he dies, please refer to the British line of succession. There is also some very clear and nuanced information regarding other scenarios in which you become acting president. Please read them carefully and avoid creative interpretation.

Third, despite your recent attempt at exploration and self-definition, this organization is very strictly structured. Please feel encouraged instead to work on self-awareness. You work in the Executive branch.

All of the above applies to you currently and furthermore, will apply to you in the coming years. For recent offenses, please refer to the entire tenure of Dick Cheney and several comments made by Sarah Palin (see the transcript of the 2008 VP Debate as an example). Joe Biden appears to have a stronger grasp of what this position entails, but he also seems to have trouble reading the instructions on his teeth-whitening kit, so that will be taken into consideration when evaluating his application.

If you are lacking motivation, or if this position has become undesirable, please note that 14 of the 44 former vice presidents have become president. Also, you should know that seven vice presidents have died in office (one in his office in the capitol and two when fatally stricken on their way to the Senate. For other history regarding yourself, see Mark O. Hatfield’s biography here.) Harry Truman, you should know that playing the piano while Lauren Bacall sits on top of it is also inappropriate behavior, although a considerably more amusing and harmless misuse of power than those of late.

Please consider this an official warning. Further action will be taken on November 4th, and an evaluation will be conducted every four years thereafter.