Tag Archives: germaphobe

Dear Healthcare Reform

1 Oct

Dear Healthcare Reform,

You, my friend, are like a kidney stone.

We will all feel better once you have passed out of our blocked system and can roam freely in the world.

Hurry it up,

MM

PS– For a more factual letter– I mean, the kidney stone thing is pretty accurate, but it’s still not a fact, we all know I don’t look things up– please read on below to guest letter from SM. Views presented below reflect those of the guest author. Views presented above by regular author are not meant to offend kidney stones.

Dear People Who Know/Care About or Are Aware of Healthcare Reform (from guest author SM)

1 Oct

Dear People Who Know/Care About or Are Aware of Healthcare Reform:

So I’m a medical student in Seattle, which means two things: 1) I don’t sleep that much and 2) my medical school classmates (who I love!) have opinions. About everything. Including healthcare reform. They know every last detail of HR 3200 (that’s the bill before the house right now, don’t worry, I had to look it up too) and can cite lists of the pros and cons of the whole thing and frankly they’re an intimidatingly smart group of people. I do not know these things. But I know the system’s broken in an intangible but certain way.

So when my other non-med school (and also incredibly smart) friends ask for my opinion, I hem and haw like only Karl Rove could have taught me (he didn’t, but he could have, that’s all I’m saying) and I say in a professorial voice “Well, I know the system is not sustainable as it stands.” Which usually suffices. It’s like JP Morgan saying “The market? It will fluctuate.”

BUT – here’s the thing. It’s true. When we graduate, we will have on average $150,000 worth of debt. At 6% interest (I’m not going to calculate it out) compounded annually (you should know what that means, its important) that’s a lot of money for a late 20-something to contemplate paying off.  So its no wonder that no one wants to specialize in primary care*. Put yourself in our shoes: if you had to pay off that much money, would you pick a job that paid you $200,000/yr or that MAYBE paid you less than half of that?

There are primary care doctors out there who have taken out mortgages on their house to keep their clinic open. The fact of the matter is that its just not financially feasible to run a clinic for which you have to pay a staff, pay for HEALTH INSURANCE for that staff, order equipment, buy office supplies, get reimbursed by insurance and Medicaid/Medicare AND make enough money to 1) feed/cloth you and yours AND 2) pay off that aforementioned $150K of debt. Also basically you make less than minimum wage when you account for 60+ hour work-weeks.

So why don’t insurance or the state reimburse doctors properly? It’s like this. Remember back in high school, and you wanted money from your parents? You did your math like this: if I need 30 bucks for dinner, movie, and popcorn for Friday night, I’m going to ask Mom and Dad for $40. Your parents turned it around on you and said “$40? Yeah right. Money doesn’t grow on trees.” And gave you $20. Now try squeeze gas, car insurance, soda, Grapevines, AND dinner, movie, and popcorn out of that $20. Not fair? Fact. And that’s what the state and insurance companies to do doctors offices – under-reimburse because they know doctors are going to overcharge, and guess who the costs get passed onto? That’s right, you. Or your parents, if you’re still on their healthcare. Which is pretty cool.

There’s a bunch of other problems with healthcare in America. Like how over 50% of the population is obese. (No, I didn’t make that statistic up. By the way, did you know that 30% of statistics are made up on the spot? Yes, I did just make THAT one up.) And how obesity, diabetes, and hypertension are like the un-Holy trinity of compounding medical problems? (Also they probably eat at Applebee’s a lot.) I digress. There’s a lot that’s wrong, not all of the fixes are fantastic, but it’s a hell of a lot better than the 44,000 Americans who die every year because they don’t have health insurance.

Finally, if you want one more kicker if you’re still on the fence about this whole reform thing, America’s doctors are behind this change. And we will be taking a pay cut because of it. What more evidence do you need that this is the right thing to do?

Sincerely, transiently,

SM, ¼ MD.

(insert cool latin phrase for contributing letter-writer.)

*Primary care you might wonder? This is basically the nuts and bolts of medicine. Runny nose? Primary care. Preggers? Primary care. (Also: are you crazy to have a baby in this economy?) You get the point.

Dear Paper Toilet Seat Covers

15 Jul

Dear Paper Toilet Seat Covers,

I’ve got a bone to pick with you. If, as my mother and sister claim (both almost public health experts) (don’t ask) you can’t get diseases from toilet seats– EVEN THE WET ONES– why do you exist?

Above and beyond that, what’s with your design? Right, so I pull this little toilet shaped thing (you) out of a cardboard holder on the wall, and I try to arrange you over the toilet seat without letting you drift in. If you drift in, it’s all over. Except you’re made of tissue paper (refer to point A: how, even if there were diseases, would you do any good at all? especially with wet ones, that just soak right through you?) and therefore, being made of tissue paper, you drift toward water like a cow toward cud.

And, say I get you positioned. Turns out the hole in you is occupied by more tissue paper, still attached at certain points around the oval and a long strip at the mouth of the toilet. (Yes, that’s a technical term.) So I rip through the little points, reposition you…

Keep in mind I’m engaged in this activity at all because I HAVE TO PEE.

…and the hole-shaped tissue paper in the middle drifts downward (obviously), gets wet, and since it’s still attached to the rest of you through the strip at mouth, begins to drag you all down.

If my pants are still fastened, I’ve got a real problem at this point. It’s a speed game, and it’s anybody’s call whether you’re going to be soaked through with toilet water and lost forever or I’m going to A) get my pants down one-handed while holding onto you– hoping the side I’m not holding doesn’t make any sudden moves– or B) let you go and go for the button and zipper with two hands, twirling and sitting with my eyes closed, no knowledge of whether I’m going to hit toilet seat cover or bare-butt toilet. With potential diseases.

Wouldn’t the horse-shoe shaped toilet seat cover, sans the filled-in middle, have a better chance of staying still? If I’m not going to get any diseases, why am I bothering? If there are diseases, don’t I, in the process of all this, end up touching the disease-ridden toilet seat a LOT? Why is the seat so wet, anyway? A bad-aim pee-er? A squatter, perhaps, so afraid of diseases she has to hover above the toilet and increase everybody else’s risk by peeing directly onto the toilet seat? How far above the toilet is she if she’s missing that badly anyway? Or is it just a powerful flush? Why aren’t more toilets eco-friendly anyway? Isn’t it just an extra button and a difference in water flow? Maybe that would take care of the splash…

Maybe I should squat above the toilet and pee too. Ooh, Kathy loves Johnnie? Oh MAN this stall is out of toilet paper???

And men wonder why it takes women so long to go to the bathroom.

And you, paper toilet seat covers, really have to go. I mean, come on, has anyone ever walked into a stall and refused to go because there were no paper toilet seat covers available? No. Never. Because you’re unnecessary and poorly designed and harder to get positioned than a diaper on a wiggling baby. And the whole point of being an adult is that we don’t need paper on our butts to go to the bathroom.

Toodles,

MM

Dear Swine Flu

2 May

Dear Swine Flu,

Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not a hypochondriac.  I get legitimately sick.  A lot.

Kind of an absurd amount, actually, and sometimes doctors prove themselves incapable of figuring out what’s wrong.  Like the time I had stomach pain for about eight going on fortyeleven months and they said, “Well, sometimes all we can do is rule out the bad stuff.  The good news is, you don’t have cancer.  Let me know if it gets worse and until then we’ll just have to wait it out.”

We’ll just have to wait it out??? Excuse me, I will just have to wait out.  And wait it out I did, and I had a drink two months ago and didn’t immediately throw up or double over in pain and it was glorious.

The point is– well, let’s see, this year I had:

  • whooping cough (yes.  the whoop.)
  • five colds
  • three of which turned into sinus infections
  • unexplained waves of nausea
  • among other things

I’ve been on antibiotics five times in the last four months.  I catch everything and I almost always get the worse-case symptoms, and it almost always turns into something bacterial rather than just viral.

So swine flu?  I see you!  And I’m not scared of you.

Ha!  The flu?  After having the whooping cough, I scoff at you.

35,000 people a year die of the flu.  (My neighbor just told me so and I’m sure she got it from a reliable source and if you’re interested, look it up yourself.  I’m not in school so I don’t have to cite.)

Honestly, most people who have died of the swine flu live in rural Mexico and are the elderly or the very young, and those are the people who die of flu every year– which is tragic and terrible and we really should do something about it.

STOP THE PANIC, PEOPLE.  Swine flu, get gone.

This whole “swine” label is really a nice piece of Global Panic Inducing marketing.

Mostly, though, it’s validating my germaphobe side.  Swine flu, in and of itself, is not making me wash my hands a lot and want to avoid touching people.  I always should have done those things, considering the state of my immune system, and now I have a continual reminder to– and the best part– now it’s socially acceptable!

In (somewhat poor but unrelated) health,

MM

PS– A nice commentary on the spreading panic:  http://xkcd.com

PPS–

how the swine flu spread...

how the swine flu spread...

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.