Tag Archives: feminism

Dear “Bachelors”: A Follow-Up

29 Apr

Dear “Bachelors”: A Follow-Up,

Now I’m starting to get huffy. Following this letter, a debate raged (trickled) on FB regarding the appropriate definition of the word “bachelor.” I am going to respond for a few reasons. #1 reason is that I know the definition of the damn word. #2 reason is that I was trying to be nice but it’s an old-timey word to represent an outdated concept and now that I’ve thought about it I have more to say about it. And if you want to willfully misunderstand my point about this word, then don’t continue to read, because I’m going to try to make it hard for you to do so.

Don’t give me that thing about everyone who isn’t married is a bachelor/bachelorette and that’s why we have those parties! We have those parties for a lot of reasons, but the existence of those terms is not primary among them. In reality– we have those parties, and we use those words within the context of those parties, which means those terms really only apply for the very short span of two weeks before a wedding. We also drink out of penis straws during those parties. SO THERE’S THAT PIECE OF EVIDENCE REGARDING THAT SOCIAL MOMENT.

I don’t know any women who self-identify with the word bachelorette outside of that context, and that means that there’s no gender equivalent for women, which in and of itself should tell you that “bachelor” is a gendered, sexist, and outdated term.

Yes, the technical definition is any unmarried man. However, let’s be real: we don’t consider men in serious long-term relationships to be bachelors, and we don’t consider 18 year-olds to be bachelors. And if we operate by that technical definition, then any gay man will be a bachelor for the REST OF HIS LIFE no matter how committed he is to his partner. And that’s absurd. I refuse to accept that, on both a linguistic and a cultural/legal level. (P.S. Let’s change the laws so everyone can get married if they want to!)

Language does not operate in a technical sense, it exists within context— sociocultural, political, economic, daily, living, real lives contexts. So yes, while the dictionary defines “bachelor” as any unmarried man, we do not think of all unmarried men as bachelors. The word carries with it the idea of a certain age or development in life in which a man could or should be married but is not. This is seen in the fact that the term is defined against being a married man: it’s parameters are defined by what it isn’t.

Thus, my argument about the 18-year-old…while 18 is certainly a legal age to get married, we do not expect 18-year-olds to be married, therefore they are not defined by their unmarried state and slapped with the label “bachelor”. And in this day and age, the average age for marriage is being pushed farther and farther back— and expectations for marriage in general have changed—- thus my question, at what age does one become a bachelor? (My (male) cousin claims bachelors are “creepers who are 50+ and probably airline pilots.” My guess is men over 50 and airline pilots will object to this.)

And so my larger, central claim is that there is no age at which one becomes a bachelor. There is one’s relationship status at all times, yes, sure. But I don’t self-identify by my unmarried status or claim it as some sort of glamour/sexual badge, and why should men?

And yes, these are still the connotations that bachelor carries: a swinging man, out on the prowl, free to have sex and drink and generally have a better time than those of his friends “trapped” by marriage or relationships. He has a certain economic status, a certain swagger to his step, a certain eligibility for marriage– he’s a “good catch” and yet unfettered. And he might be a sexual predator with black satin sheets. (Oh yeah, baby.) He also has an empty fridge. This is because only women grocery shop and he will only be well fed at home once he finally decides to settle down.

HOW MANY STEREOTYPES CAN WE FIT IN THAT ONE PACKAGE.

A friend in the comments of the previous post mentioned “Classically Bachelor has meant a single, well educated, decently groomed, man. A man who is unattached by choice, not by circumstance.” Ok then. Unless you’re George Clooney, my argument stands that you’re really not a bachelor, you’re just a guy with or without a relationship or a love interest or a crush or a partner.

He continues…”That’s the ‘Bachelor’ lifestyle, getting ready for the day at 7PM hung over, eating top ramen because you are to lazy to go to the store to get anything other than video games, and having a pile of clean and dirty laundry no where near where you do laundry or keep your clothes normally. Bachelorhood has somehow devolved from a post under-grad singlehood, to a slovenly debauched state filled with costco bricks of cheese and inebriated Call of Duty sessions well into the night.”

Sooooo— guys— that sounds fun…Look. I get it that calling yourself a bachelor maybe makes you feel better when you’ve just been dumped. Which maybe explains men’s reluctance to relinquish this term fully. But that alone should tell you something– when it’s a term you only whip out when you’re feeling bad about yourself, doesn’t that indicate that it’s about appearances and social myths rather than any sort of personal reality? Plus there seems to be some sort of separate attachment to “bachelor pad.” Men who won’t describe themselves as “bachelors” are totally willing to call their houses or apartments “bachelor pads” which also seems to be about appearances– the desire to feel that they’re living in a sweet space with a certain social cache rather than a farthouse of doom and mold.

I’d like to point out that when I started taking a poll of men that I know, asking if they self-identify with the word, three of them responded with a joke about having a “bachelor of arts” degree. WHICH I’VE GOT TWO OF. One said that he preferred the term “girlfriend impaired.” Another said “hecks no.” Two married friends responded with “nope.” Which is a valid poll result, in that I was taking a poll, and it was a result. Sort of the same way in which you qualify as being a bachelor by being over 18 and unmarried— and so do I. BACHELOR LADY, BABY.

MM

…Lady bachelor? I don’t know. I just don’t think I can do it. I feel a proximity STD coming on just saying the word.

Dear Online Dating Profiles

19 Apr

Note: I am a HUGE FAN of online dating, and I recommend it to all of my friends. I know people who have met online and are ridiculously happy and well matched. I also know people who started online dating and immediately met somebody in the “real world.” I don’t actually do it myself. This is not because I wouldn’t do it, but rather because I’m not actively trying to meet somebody at this point in my life. That being said, be safe, be persistent, and for the love of god, tell me all your stories.

But the profile creation process is ridiculous.

MM

  • Self summary - Skinny. Curly hair. Crooked nose. Feminist. Oh wait, am I not supposed to say this? Probably not. I did just read some online profile advice which gave an A+ to a profile that reads:

“Myself – restless, analytical, and opinionated. I am not offended by a dirty joke and can dish out one of my own. I am independent but far from being a feminist. Sarcasm is a spice of life, so bring it on. [Reviewer's comment: Guys really, really like to hear that.]“

UM. Why the need to distance yourself from being a feminist? First of all, being opinionated and independent is being a feminist.

Secondly, you really feel the need to qualify your claim of being independent?!? “Oh hey, guys, I’m independent, but not so independent I think I need equal rights or the ability to vote or anything like that! Hell no! I just mean that I can tie my own shoes, except I don’t need to, because I only wear high heels, even when I’m working out, which keeps me from being able to go too far, so don’t worry about me leaving the house.”

Thirdly, FEMINIST IS NOT A DIRTY WORD. It means you think women and men are equal.

I’M A FEMINIST AND I HOPE ANYONE I DATE IS ONE TOO.

And oh yeah: sarcasm. Right up with there with rosemary, thyme, and chili powder. One of the great spices of life! Oh wait, THAT’S NOT A PHRASE. But I sure am glad guys really, really like to hear it. Just how sarcastic do you like it? Because it’s pretty spicy in this neck of the woods, fellows.

  • What I’m doing with my life - God, I don’t know. Does anyone? This seems like an unfair question. It’s sending me into an existential spiral of doubt and questioning….FINE. I’ll say it. I’m in poetry school.
  • I’m really good at - I am a crackerjack parallel parker. I am also good at typing, spelling, and recounting conversations word-for-word.

What kind of stupid question is this? Do people traditionally answer this with a list of bedroom skill sets? I hope men still feel pressure to answer this with “man skills”: I’m good at sawing up shit and pounding nails and building log cabins. RAWR. And then girls can be all: I’m known for my pies two counties over! I’m excellent at wearing aprons, pearls, and keeping my mouth shut (except when you want it open, HEY-O)!

This is not a resume. But I did mean that thing I said about typing.

  • The first thing people usually notice about me - my intensity. WHAT?
  • Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food -

Well, first of all, another article I read recommends that women not describe themselves as “attractive” or “intelligent.” Errrrrrrr. Okay. (To be fair, they basically argue those words are vague and have no meaning. Which, from a writer’s standpoint, I agree with. On the other hand, the article manages to be sexist anyway.)

One of the commenters said this: “Actually name some books other than Bridget Jones Diary that you’ve read. What, you’ve never heard of Jonathan Franzen? Never read a book on politics or history? Fine, but you won’t be approached by intelligent men.”

OH MY SWEET LITERARY HAVEN. Jonathan Franzen is who you choose to mention? If you’ve never heard of FRANZEN you can’t expect to be approached by intelligent men?!? Let me tell you something, buster, Franzen is not Shakespeare, and having “heard” of someone is hardly a test of intelligence. Talk about revealing yourself as someone who reads The New Yorker so you can sound impressive on first dates.

And now I’m not going to name ANY books I’ve read, because I don’t want pretentious faux-literati like yourself emailing me.

  • The six things I could never do without - books, coffee, a bed, sleep, hot showers, meat (I will never be a vegetarian. Speaking of vegetarians, I don’t much want to date one. I have. It’s just– well…god, this is sexist and I’m going to say it anyway– there’s just something not-that-sexy about a man who doesn’t eat meat. Also it’s inconvenient. It’s a food restriction, albeit a fairly mild one, and I just want to eat, dammit.)
  • I spend a lot of time thinking about - gender roles, relationships, language, pop culture and celebrities. Stories. People and what they say and how they act and what it means.
  • On a typical Friday night I am - watching a Netflix movie. Sometimes going out to dinner. Sometimes dancing if I can find anybody to go with me. Oh, screw it, I’m usually in bed by eleven.
  • The most private thing I am willing to admit - is not very private. Anything I say here will be something that everyone knows about me. Why would I possibly reveal an actual secret to the Internet? This is bullshit. If you reveal an actual private thing here, you’re an idiot.
  • You should message me if . . .you’re a book publisher and you have a book deal for me. Or if I already know and like you. Otherwise you should stay the f*ck away, since this isn’t actually an online dating profile.

Things I Like on the Internet

27 Feb

I Like a lot of Things on the Internet this week. And I kept track of all of them. For you. You’re welcome.

I like this because the word “Muppets” is followed by the word “Explicit”— and for several other reasons too: Kanye West “Monster” Muppet Remix (Explicit Version). [YouTube]

Ohhh, that Honey Badger is Naaaaaaaasty. Learn things and laugh at the same time. Probably don’t watch it if you have a fear of eating snakes. Or if you hate funny things. [YouTube]

This 5 year old is my kind of feminist (I like all kinds, actually). Start ‘em young, start ‘em young! She just needs the vocabulary now. [YouTube by way of Ryan Seacrest. I know, I know, it's FB's fault!]

Have you guys seen this thing where Zach Galifianakis interviews somebody and makes you want to die in the process? I have a high tolerance for awkward and I wanted to die. It’s called “Between Two Ferns” and I recommend the one with Charlize Theron (and Zach Galifianakis, obvi). And now I know how to spell his name. [funny or die]

Jon Stewart’s Mother F**kers. Hey guys, maybe if Planned Parenthood is SO profitable, we should look at how they do things and apply those principles to our health care system as a whole. That would include lowering prices for patients and opening health centers in low-income areas and providing timely, efficient care for everyone who needs it, regardless of insurance. Whoa, wait, what?!? [Comedy Central]

Somebody (Rep. Weiner) is getting angry and it is SO GOOD to see! If you want less government…then keep your laws off my body. Oh hey, remember that slogan? [YouTube]

Hey guys, in the midst of bad news, good news! President Obama finally mans up and takes a GIANT leap forward toward legalizing gay marriage. Like a scoop of mint sorbet after a dinner of liver. So refreshing. [New York Times]

And now, moving on from politics! The man who inspired Moby Dick was one unlucky sonofabitch. Read this if you, like Jack Donaghy, have unresolved dreams of being an underwater explorer.

A music video! That my sister’s friend made! Congratulations, Pat Parra! [Love Bryan]

This clip of Portlandia is basically my life. Or at least, the lives of people near me. [IFC]

Unfortunately, so is this thing of The Disney Princesses as Hipsters. [NY Mag]

Chris Rock is smart smart smart and I’d like to think his theory on the Tea Partiers is correct. Please come to a stand-up venue near me, Chris Rock!

Ke$ha loves James Van Der Beek. As she should. You guys, this music video of “Blow” proves that Ke$ha has a sense of humor. Or, you know, just that she loves “Blow.” Also, unicorns. If you aren’t convinced yet, she calls me James Van Der Douche and he calls her Ke-dollarsign-ha. Also, James Van Der Woodsen (There’s an idea. Has he guest-starred on Gossip Girl yet?) is looking kind of hot. WHAT?!? It’s not his fault Dawson was a whiny emo sad face. I’LL ALWAYS LOVE YOU MORE, PACEY.

And that concludes this week’s episode of Things I Like on the Internet.

Dear Boys Who Think They Like Sassy Girls

25 Feb

Dear Boys Who Think They Like Sassy Girls,

We’re at this strange cultural moment where sarcasm, sass, and general uppity behaviors and poor attitudes are valued.

Bless us, because if we weren’t, I would probably be living in the woods in exile right about now or being given electric shock treatments.

This has resulted in boys thinking that they think sassy girls are sexy.

Yes, thinking that they think this. Or, you know, even thinking that they know what sass is.

I give you the following illustrative anecdote:

Jack met Jill at a party. Jack is a bit older than Jill, and they’re both young enough that “older” guys are still “cool” rather than “creepy.” Actually…Jack was in college at the time, and Jill was in high school, and maybe she thought he was cool rather than creepy? But I don’t. Whatever. This story came from Jack.

So anyway, they meet, and then they date. (Yawn.) Jack gives THIS as the reason for his attraction:

“I thought she was really cool, because when I asked for her phone number, she totally called me out! She said I was never going to use it, never going to call her. So then of course I had to.”

THAT IS BULLSHIT.

This story does not demonstrate Jill’s fierce nature or the idea that she is “cool”. It doesn’t say much about her, actually. But the fact that Jack thinks it makes her cool demonstrates that Jack is basically lame.

Because I can tell you right now, if he thinks that’s a challenge, he should try dating me.

Ex-boyfriends? Am I right?

Some boys actually do like sassy girls. Jack is not one of them. It’s fine! Jack can date “nice” girls the rest of his life. I put “nice” in quotes because “sassy” girls are / can also be “nice” girls. There’s a whole world in between sassy and mean.

The main problem with this whole scenario is that, instead of being able to just express what he actually likes about Jill, he has to designate her as “sassy”— which moves the rest of us over into the realm of being “mean.” It’s like the political parties. There’s a certain range which results in a nation-wide ideological game of tug-of-war, and when the left moves to the middle, the right moves farther to the right (MOVE BACK TO THE LEFT, LEFT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD).

I’m willing to bet that Jack, confronted with true sass, thinks it’s pretty mean. Then he gets to say things like, “Well, I like sassy girls, and I don’t like you, so you must not be sassy. You must be a total bitch.”

This is because Jack sucks. And also, despite his proclaimed modernism, he holds very traditional views on what women should say and do.

Exhibit A: Jack thinks all girls sleep in babydoll nightgowns with bows and matching underwear. He was shocked to find out they don’t.

True story.

MM

P.S. I am DEVASTATED that I was not there for that sleepwear / underwear conversation. I feel I could have made a valuable contribution.

Dear Comments on the Internet

3 Dec

Dear Comments on the Internet,

I pretty much do not read comments in response to anything.

(Except, of course, comments on this site, because you guys are hysterical and cool and your comments sound like the sweet dulcet tunes of a Whitney Houston ballad.)

There are a couple of reasons for this:

1.  Why would I care what a bunch of random strangers have to say in response to something?  I’m reading the article / blog / post / whatevs for the “expert” opinion of the author.  Or for the joke.  Or for the funny Venn diagram.

2.  Comments take one of two forms.

a.  For humor articles, they consist of this:

LOL!  LOLZZZZ!  AM PEEING MY PANTZ RIGHT NOW LOLZZZ SO EFFING FUNNY GOD YOU”RE GOD YOU”RE SO FUNNY SO GOOD EVEN MY CAT IS LLOL”ZING AND PEEING HER PANTZ ‘CUZ OBVS I MAKE MY CAT WEARS ZE PANTZ ESS A FRIDAY.

(Spelling and grammar don’t exist on Fridays, we all know this.  On the fifth day, God declared: you all shall spell like morons and laugh like hyenas and feel the need to inform people of that laughter via inane internet abbreviations that don’t actually shorten the word and pictures of your cats.  Excuse me, catz.)

b. For news articles, serious pieces, reporting of wonderful activist snarky posters, comments consist of things like this:

DEFUND all taxpayer supported colleges and universities and left them succeed on their own with their hat-filled, biased left-wing trash.

Those tax-funded, liberal, elite universities, so filled with hate….for other white people?  For God?  Man, I never knew…I went to one of those tax-funded, liberal, elite universities, and I mostly felt hate for the squirrels on campus.  So I guess it’s true.  Hate is hate.  And typos are typos.

This is the land of opportunity, not the land of guarantees. If you stupid libs think minorities have not have more help in taking advantage of those opportunities, then you are fools. Try that on someone else.
My family was poor and I grew up poor…I chose to study hard and go to school…I chose NOT to sink into despair and a life of crime. I worked hard and still do…nothing is given to me and I am sick and tired of jerks like you trying to make me feel guilty for my accomplishments.
Everyone has a CHOICE in this country…EVERYONE.

I’m assuming the person who wrote this is white, and that’s why s/he is “made to feel guilty” for their accomplishments.  I’d like to point out a few things.  Classism is a problem in this country.  Yes.  Good.  Ok.  Also.  If this person is white, and s/he has gone to school (albeit not one that taught s/he grammar) and “made good” and is no longer “poor,” then s/he has successfully changed her/his status in American eyes.  No one will ever “know” s/he grew up poor.

Whereas it’s kind of hard to hide your skin color.  And no one should have to hide their sexuality.  My point is: classism is terrible, yes, but changing your class status is possible.

P.S. it’s bullshit that “nothing is given to me”– this is why it’s called “invisible privilege”– because it’s so subtle that for all intents and purposes, it’s hidden.  Nobody said, “Oh, you’re working hard and you’re white so I’ll give you a promotion even though you don’t know how to use verbs.”  You are right, anonymous internet commenter: everyone has a choice.  Including you. Not to post this comment revealing your own ignorance.

P.P.S.  The original poster: “White Privilege: I got into Stanford without having my peers suspect that I only got in because of my race”

Commenter: “If you stupid libs think minorities have not have more help in taking advantage of those opportunities, then you are fools.”

….Whose point are you trying to make?

these kinds of terms are divisive. Why can’t gays and minorities just get along with white people?

GUYS.  Why can’t gays and minorities just get along with white people?

Oh wait…wait!  I know.  It’s like, maybe if slaves just tried to like their lifestyle, they would be happier.

No, that’s unfair of me.  No, wait.  Oh, hell.  Sigh.  These things are just so complicated to figure out.  I might have to think about my own life and how my actions affect other people, and systems and institutions, and the daily, subtle reinforcement of cultural norms and all the different ways that people are made to feel oppressed…  I better just leave a comment on the internet.  Preferably with a typo.    That oughta do it.

This is what I get for reading FOX news online.  Liberal hippie commie elite news media.

One last one:

And this is a “premire” school ? ?…………..You can tell it’s “run” by liberal dolts,…………….. It’s totally “f’ked up”

Who wrote that?  Joey Tribbiani?

My point is I don’t read comments on the internet because they fill me with rage.  Good thing I believe in gun control or I probably would have shot the internet by now.

MM

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 25 other followers