Tag Archives: feminism

Hey Komen

3 Feb

Hey Komen!

I bought a pair of pink shoes the other day, but since I know you like to sue people with boobs who wear the color pink, and you like to deny health services to women, and I’m on what some might call an active campaign to stay “cancer-free” and also “educated” and also “with all parts in working order,” I thought I’d return the shoes and donate the money to Planned Parenthood instead.

Aw, guys, I just want you to know that even though you issued a statement that had a lot of words in it, I don’t believe you. I don’t believe your leadership doesn’t have a political agenda, and I don’t believe you weren’t lobbied by pro-life groups anti-women groups to defund PP in the first place. I don’t believe anything has changed, except maybe next time you’ll attempt to do things a bit more quietly. And maybe you’ll start flirting with Zuckerburg in the hopes that he “accidentally” deletes any posts about your organization on FB.

And once again– as always when I talk about PP– I’d like to point out that not only do they offer breast-cancer screenings— which is what your money, Komen, goes towards– they also offer PREGNANCY and NEONATAL care.

/sarcasm/ Those bastards over at PP are so confusing! Are they for life or against it or what! I just can’t keep track! /end sarcasm/

Also I thought I’d say here, because there seems to be some confusion in this country, that PP as well as hospitals, care clinics, and other health service organizations of all shapes and sizes offer abortion services because abortion is LEGAL and therefore people women don’t have to die in back alleys with hangers up their hoo-has.

You can call me a crazy liberal if you want, and I’ll say “thank you!” but let’s back it up for a minute and consider that WOMEN are neither Democrats nor Republicans (I was raised to believe they were human beings and as a side benefit, they got to be citizens), and therefore maybe their bodies should quit being kicked around the political arena like Mitt Romney kicks around $10,000 bets.

You hear a lot that politicians have dirtied their hands at some time or another…I just want those dirty hands out of my panties and away from my cha-chas, ok? I prefer people to have washed up before they get that close.

For closing arguments, I give you George Carlin. [NSFW] (Does that even need to be said once I say “George Carlin”?)

 

Speaking of comedians, about a month ago I watched whatshisdoodle– Bill O’Reilly– complain about why all the late-night shows make fun of the Republican candidates and not Obama. His expert guest had counted how many jokes on late-night were about Obama versus anyone else (which intern got that assignment?) and there were something like 3 times as many jokes about Obama.

So Bill O’Reilly said, essentially, “Those are different, those are affectionate.” Awww. So cute when he gets petulant! Doesn’t he know feelings-based arguments are the territory of the hippies? Then he made his real point, which was that only liberals are given late-night shows.

I kept waiting for the expert guest to ask him why, if they care so much, conservatives don’t try to be funnier.

MM

Dear Arcane Work Attire Rules

28 Oct

Dear Arcane Work Attire Rules,

Did you guys know that most hotels require their female employees to wear pantyhose? At all times? Including under their pants?

UNDER THEIR PANTS, PEOPLE.

This isn’t some rule like, “skirts of an appropriate length,” or even “elbows must be covered.”

Also Disneyland. And Disneyworld. Full skirts, full jackets, pantyhose under the pants.

Are their bosses encouraged to check? “Let me just pinch this thigh here and see if I can snap it outward…Nope? That’s flesh? Ouch, that must’ve hurt. Well, into the punishment coat room with you!”

Hotels, Disneyland, and Disneyworld: tourist spots, Southern California, and Florida. Hot, hot, and Florida.

I’ve been following Kate Middleton’s fashion, you guys, and they even let her wear pants sometimes. You know, just pants. I mean, I guess the photographs don’t really show that stretchy, oppressively tight nude shimmer beneath her clothes…but you can usually tell if you look at the feet. Skin’s just not that shiny. It doesn’t catch light in that way. It’s sort of like R. Pattz on a cloudy vs. a sunny day.

Men apparently are allowed to wear socks with their pants. This is because men’s legs, when covered by fabric, are appropriate for public and considered what we call “family-friendly.” Women’s legs are just so DAMN SEXY that they need the force-field strength repellent of nude pantyhose to keep them from going full Jessica Rabbit.

Plus the “control top” really helps smooth out those unsightly womanly curves that come from having a womb.

MM

PS— Pantyhose. under. pants.

PPS– When I was writing this, I kept typing “pantyhouse.” But that’s a whole different thing. It’s a lot sexier, probably.

Dear Bridesmaids

14 May

Dear Bridesmaids,

I saw Bridesmaids this morning and I recommend that you see it too, it’s very funny and quite good, but then the world hurt me a little bit, in the form of my friend who I saw it with saying, “Hey, Apatow figured out how to make a movie for girls and guys: a chick flick with gross-out scenes.”  And I said, “I kind of wish they’d left those out, actually, and let it just be a movie.” And he was like, “You mean a chick flick?” And I was like, “No, a movie for everybody, just without gross-out scenes.” And he was like, “You mean a chick flick?”

I think he was being at least slightly facetious.

And then I got a little bit sad. But! It still belongs more to Kristen Wiig than it does to Apatow, I think, and it’s an excellent movie, and there are a number of articles about how seeing it will encourage Hollywood to give female-centered movies and shows a chance, so if you want to see more female comedies, maybe start by supporting this one (some articles here, here, here, and here). I think it’s a fallacy that movies centered around women need “male-type gags” like food poisoning to be funny. I don’t think women should shy away from body humor– but why not the body humor that comes natural to women, about sex and periods and cramps and breasts and lingerie and waxing and giving birth?

And– why not let female-centered comedies center around female humor, body/bawdy or not? Why do men think movies about women are not for them? First of all, don’t you have women in your lives? Maybe even women you think are funny or whose problems/characteristics/points-of-view you would enjoy seeing made funny? And women watch male-centered movies all the time– we just call them “blockbusters” instead of “dude flicks” or “douche flicks.” Isn’t good writing just good writing and aren’t good movies just good movies, irregardless of gender/sex/sexual orientation?

Anyhoodle. I hope Kristen Wiig keeps writing, I’m glad this movie exists, I like Judd Apatow, so you can just calm down and untwist your knickers. I wish Leslie Mann would write a movie. I bet she’d kill it.

And now being Kristen Wiig’s BFF is on my life to-do list, so I hope she’s cool with that. I’m not as good at doing funny voices as she is, but I’m really good at laughing and I’ve got a great over-exaggerated eye-roll that I bet she’d appreciate.

Love,

MM

Dear “Bachelors”: A Follow-Up

29 Apr

Dear “Bachelors”: A Follow-Up,

Now I’m starting to get huffy. Following this letter, a debate raged (trickled) on FB regarding the appropriate definition of the word “bachelor.” I am going to respond for a few reasons. #1 reason is that I know the definition of the damn word. #2 reason is that I was trying to be nice but it’s an old-timey word to represent an outdated concept and now that I’ve thought about it I have more to say about it. And if you want to willfully misunderstand my point about this word, then don’t continue to read, because I’m going to try to make it hard for you to do so.

Don’t give me that thing about everyone who isn’t married is a bachelor/bachelorette and that’s why we have those parties! We have those parties for a lot of reasons, but the existence of those terms is not primary among them. In reality– we have those parties, and we use those words within the context of those parties, which means those terms really only apply for the very short span of two weeks before a wedding. We also drink out of penis straws during those parties. SO THERE’S THAT PIECE OF EVIDENCE REGARDING THAT SOCIAL MOMENT.

I don’t know any women who self-identify with the word bachelorette outside of that context, and that means that there’s no gender equivalent for women, which in and of itself should tell you that “bachelor” is a gendered, sexist, and outdated term.

Yes, the technical definition is any unmarried man. However, let’s be real: we don’t consider men in serious long-term relationships to be bachelors, and we don’t consider 18 year-olds to be bachelors. And if we operate by that technical definition, then any gay man will be a bachelor for the REST OF HIS LIFE no matter how committed he is to his partner. And that’s absurd. I refuse to accept that, on both a linguistic and a cultural/legal level. (P.S. Let’s change the laws so everyone can get married if they want to!)

Language does not operate in a technical sense, it exists within context— sociocultural, political, economic, daily, living, real lives contexts. So yes, while the dictionary defines “bachelor” as any unmarried man, we do not think of all unmarried men as bachelors. The word carries with it the idea of a certain age or development in life in which a man could or should be married but is not. This is seen in the fact that the term is defined against being a married man: it’s parameters are defined by what it isn’t.

Thus, my argument about the 18-year-old…while 18 is certainly a legal age to get married, we do not expect 18-year-olds to be married, therefore they are not defined by their unmarried state and slapped with the label “bachelor”. And in this day and age, the average age for marriage is being pushed farther and farther back— and expectations for marriage in general have changed—- thus my question, at what age does one become a bachelor? (My (male) cousin claims bachelors are “creepers who are 50+ and probably airline pilots.” My guess is men over 50 and airline pilots will object to this.)

And so my larger, central claim is that there is no age at which one becomes a bachelor. There is one’s relationship status at all times, yes, sure. But I don’t self-identify by my unmarried status or claim it as some sort of glamour/sexual badge, and why should men?

And yes, these are still the connotations that bachelor carries: a swinging man, out on the prowl, free to have sex and drink and generally have a better time than those of his friends “trapped” by marriage or relationships. He has a certain economic status, a certain swagger to his step, a certain eligibility for marriage– he’s a “good catch” and yet unfettered. And he might be a sexual predator with black satin sheets. (Oh yeah, baby.) He also has an empty fridge. This is because only women grocery shop and he will only be well fed at home once he finally decides to settle down.

HOW MANY STEREOTYPES CAN WE FIT IN THAT ONE PACKAGE.

A friend in the comments of the previous post mentioned “Classically Bachelor has meant a single, well educated, decently groomed, man. A man who is unattached by choice, not by circumstance.” Ok then. Unless you’re George Clooney, my argument stands that you’re really not a bachelor, you’re just a guy with or without a relationship or a love interest or a crush or a partner.

He continues…”That’s the ‘Bachelor’ lifestyle, getting ready for the day at 7PM hung over, eating top ramen because you are to lazy to go to the store to get anything other than video games, and having a pile of clean and dirty laundry no where near where you do laundry or keep your clothes normally. Bachelorhood has somehow devolved from a post under-grad singlehood, to a slovenly debauched state filled with costco bricks of cheese and inebriated Call of Duty sessions well into the night.”

Sooooo— guys— that sounds fun…Look. I get it that calling yourself a bachelor maybe makes you feel better when you’ve just been dumped. Which maybe explains men’s reluctance to relinquish this term fully. But that alone should tell you something– when it’s a term you only whip out when you’re feeling bad about yourself, doesn’t that indicate that it’s about appearances and social myths rather than any sort of personal reality? Plus there seems to be some sort of separate attachment to “bachelor pad.” Men who won’t describe themselves as “bachelors” are totally willing to call their houses or apartments “bachelor pads” which also seems to be about appearances– the desire to feel that they’re living in a sweet space with a certain social cache rather than a farthouse of doom and mold.

I’d like to point out that when I started taking a poll of men that I know, asking if they self-identify with the word, three of them responded with a joke about having a “bachelor of arts” degree. WHICH I’VE GOT TWO OF. One said that he preferred the term “girlfriend impaired.” Another said “hecks no.” Two married friends responded with “nope.” Which is a valid poll result, in that I was taking a poll, and it was a result. Sort of the same way in which you qualify as being a bachelor by being over 18 and unmarried— and so do I. BACHELOR LADY, BABY.

MM

…Lady bachelor? I don’t know. I just don’t think I can do it. I feel a proximity STD coming on just saying the word.

Dear Online Dating Profiles

19 Apr

Note: I am a HUGE FAN of online dating, and I recommend it to all of my friends. I know people who have met online and are ridiculously happy and well matched. I also know people who started online dating and immediately met somebody in the “real world.” I don’t actually do it myself. This is not because I wouldn’t do it, but rather because I’m not actively trying to meet somebody at this point in my life. That being said, be safe, be persistent, and for the love of god, tell me all your stories.

But the profile creation process is ridiculous.

MM

  • Self summary - Skinny. Curly hair. Crooked nose. Feminist. Oh wait, am I not supposed to say this? Probably not. I did just read some online profile advice which gave an A+ to a profile that reads:

“Myself – restless, analytical, and opinionated. I am not offended by a dirty joke and can dish out one of my own. I am independent but far from being a feminist. Sarcasm is a spice of life, so bring it on. [Reviewer's comment: Guys really, really like to hear that.]“

UM. Why the need to distance yourself from being a feminist? First of all, being opinionated and independent is being a feminist.

Secondly, you really feel the need to qualify your claim of being independent?!? “Oh hey, guys, I’m independent, but not so independent I think I need equal rights or the ability to vote or anything like that! Hell no! I just mean that I can tie my own shoes, except I don’t need to, because I only wear high heels, even when I’m working out, which keeps me from being able to go too far, so don’t worry about me leaving the house.”

Thirdly, FEMINIST IS NOT A DIRTY WORD. It means you think women and men are equal.

I’M A FEMINIST AND I HOPE ANYONE I DATE IS ONE TOO.

And oh yeah: sarcasm. Right up with there with rosemary, thyme, and chili powder. One of the great spices of life! Oh wait, THAT’S NOT A PHRASE. But I sure am glad guys really, really like to hear it. Just how sarcastic do you like it? Because it’s pretty spicy in this neck of the woods, fellows.

  • What I’m doing with my life - God, I don’t know. Does anyone? This seems like an unfair question. It’s sending me into an existential spiral of doubt and questioning….FINE. I’ll say it. I’m in poetry school.
  • I’m really good at - I am a crackerjack parallel parker. I am also good at typing, spelling, and recounting conversations word-for-word.

What kind of stupid question is this? Do people traditionally answer this with a list of bedroom skill sets? I hope men still feel pressure to answer this with “man skills”: I’m good at sawing up shit and pounding nails and building log cabins. RAWR. And then girls can be all: I’m known for my pies two counties over! I’m excellent at wearing aprons, pearls, and keeping my mouth shut (except when you want it open, HEY-O)!

This is not a resume. But I did mean that thing I said about typing.

  • The first thing people usually notice about me - my intensity. WHAT?
  • Favorite books, movies, shows, music and food -

Well, first of all, another article I read recommends that women not describe themselves as “attractive” or “intelligent.” Errrrrrrr. Okay. (To be fair, they basically argue those words are vague and have no meaning. Which, from a writer’s standpoint, I agree with. On the other hand, the article manages to be sexist anyway.)

One of the commenters said this: “Actually name some books other than Bridget Jones Diary that you’ve read. What, you’ve never heard of Jonathan Franzen? Never read a book on politics or history? Fine, but you won’t be approached by intelligent men.”

OH MY SWEET LITERARY HAVEN. Jonathan Franzen is who you choose to mention? If you’ve never heard of FRANZEN you can’t expect to be approached by intelligent men?!? Let me tell you something, buster, Franzen is not Shakespeare, and having “heard” of someone is hardly a test of intelligence. Talk about revealing yourself as someone who reads The New Yorker so you can sound impressive on first dates.

And now I’m not going to name ANY books I’ve read, because I don’t want pretentious faux-literati like yourself emailing me.

  • The six things I could never do without - books, coffee, a bed, sleep, hot showers, meat (I will never be a vegetarian. Speaking of vegetarians, I don’t much want to date one. I have. It’s just– well…god, this is sexist and I’m going to say it anyway– there’s just something not-that-sexy about a man who doesn’t eat meat. Also it’s inconvenient. It’s a food restriction, albeit a fairly mild one, and I just want to eat, dammit.)
  • I spend a lot of time thinking about - gender roles, relationships, language, pop culture and celebrities. Stories. People and what they say and how they act and what it means.
  • On a typical Friday night I am - watching a Netflix movie. Sometimes going out to dinner. Sometimes dancing if I can find anybody to go with me. Oh, screw it, I’m usually in bed by eleven.
  • The most private thing I am willing to admit - is not very private. Anything I say here will be something that everyone knows about me. Why would I possibly reveal an actual secret to the Internet? This is bullshit. If you reveal an actual private thing here, you’re an idiot.
  • You should message me if . . .you’re a book publisher and you have a book deal for me. Or if I already know and like you. Otherwise you should stay the f*ck away, since this isn’t actually an online dating profile.
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