Tag Archives: facebook status updates

Dear Facebook Comments on Engagement Status Updates

27 Jan

Dear Facebook Comments on Engagement Status Updates,

It’s January, so everyone’s gearing up for wedding season. Which is in the summer, I believe, unless you live in the Southwest, and then it *should* be in the winter, but for some warped reason, is not. Or maybe it is, what do I know.

The point is, people on my FB newsfeed are getting engaged, and good for them, whatever. I say whatever because I have basically no opinions on whether or not they should be— if I find out about an engagement on FB, chances are good I’m not in that close touch with the couple and really can’t speak to their “readiness.”

Right about now you’re all, “Whaaaa? No opinions? What is even happening right now?” And you’re flailing your arms around like a muppet without a puppeteer, because your world is crashing down around you.

Yes. That is how much I imagine you care about the things I say. Leave me to it.

So people— let’s call them Adam and Eve, random names I picked for no reason, certainly no other couple in the world has ever been paired with those monikers— get engaged on FB. I mean, they get engaged in real life (at least I hope), and then they put it on FB. And they’ve been together for 2.6 years, and own 1.3 dogs and have 6.7 Apple products between the two of them, and 17.8 pieces of Ikea furniture. Adam and Eve post 123 pictures of food on FB per year, and 1,234 vacation pictures, and only wear matching sunglasses ironically.

Ok, so I’m lying. They totally wear the matching sunglasses sincerely, and it’s more like 14.2 Apple products. The point is, they’ve been together a decent length of time, and they’re 25 years old.

And then about 345 people “like” the engagement status post and say a bunch of things like, “Congratulations!” and “Congrats!” and just the word “C!” which I assume in this context continues to communicate felicitations, and not the other C-word. But maybe that post was from an ex, what do I know. But he should keep it to himself at that point.

And then approximately half the people (that would be 172.5) say some variation of this: “Finally!” or “It’s about time!” or “It’s been too long!”

Now look, I’ve had some tank tops longer than 2.6 years. I know couples who have been together for 8 years without getting married. (This does not make them “casual” or “unsure,” by the way. And no, these are not people who “don’t believe” in marriage and so will never get married. They just haven’t. Yet.) I’ve been with my coffeepot for four years now, and while I like it, and it makes me happy every single day, I’m not ready to marry it. And yes, sure, my parents got married at 26, but I turn 26 in March, and I think I might spend my birthday going to see The Hunger Games.

Not that married people don’t like The Hunger Games, too, but perhaps you get my drift. Twenty-five year olds are doing different things now than they used to…..for example, my aunt and uncle were going to see Animal House, not The Hunger Games. And they’re divorced now.

I’m making jokes, yes, but I’m really very serious when I say that really— really—- it has not been too long when Adam and Eve, who have been dating for 2.6 years and who are 25 years old, get engaged. What, were they supposed to get engaged before they could officially sync all their devices through iCloud? Before they’d filled their Pinkberry punchcards? Before they’d weathered fifteen seasons of American Idol? (Is that show on six times a year? I don’t understand.)

Yes, I’m still making jokes. But it does take time to get to know someone. And then things change, and you have to get to know them all over again. And you have to get to know this third entity you’ve created between the two of you, your relationship. And then you move, and you have to get to know a new city. And then once all that is done, maybe you just want to be together. For a while. And then for longer. And then for a few years after that. And maybe you love them, but you’re still unsure for whatever number of good or bad reasons, or maybe you’re very sure, but you aren’t ready to get married, or your bank account isn’t ready to get married, or your Apple products are still adjusting to a blended household.

Weddings aren’t going anywhere. Neither is the person you’re with. And if they are– if they’re threatening to leave you if the two of you don’t get married– and if they’re doing so because you clearly aren’t committed and they’re trying to get you to prove it by slapping a ring on it– or because they’re feeling competitive with their FB newsfeed even though the two of you, together, as a couple, don’t really want to get married– then maybe we should all be posting “finally!” when FB shows that tiny broken heart next to your names. Or at least we’ll think it.

Except for that person who’ll post, “Oh no! But you two were perfect for each other! What happened?!?”

On the other hand, this morning FB let my friend in Boston tell me where to buy these cute shoes I’ve been wanting for a year. So it really does help us connect in very meaningful ways.

MM

Dear Aggressive Facebook Status Updates

15 Aug

Dear Aggressive Facebook Status Updates,

1. To the people who are yelling about shoes: “STOP buying BOBS! They’re UGLY! And they’re not Toms!“

Oooooookay. First of all, Bobs shoes look exactly like Toms. I mean, that’s part of the complaint, right? So if you think Toms aren’t ugly, then Bobs are also not ugly. Second of all, brand loyalty is fine, but everyone does understand that it’s a personal preference, right? As in, should not be imposed on others?

Look, I get that Tom’s is a small, independent company and Skecher’s is the evil corporation, etc, etc. But any business/corporation supporting a cause you agree with is great and sure, maybe Skecher’s could have been more original about this whole thing, but isn’t part of what’s great about a competitive market system that little companies put pressure on bigger companies to behave in better ways and we as consumers get to decide before, during, and after?

And no, I don’t think the “ugly” question has been settled. But whether you think Toms are ugly or not, whether they fit your feet perfectly or not, whether you own any pairs or not, whether you support social marketing and socially conscious businesses or not….I mean, can’t we all agree that they’re LITTLE PAIRS OF SHOES MADE OF FABRIC.

They’re not as divinely mind-boggling as, say, sex or Kate Middleton’s hair or fig and carmel gelato or Ryan Gosling’s beguiling bone structure or guacamole and beer on a hot summer day.

2. To the people who post irrationally defiant “I’m complex and unique” updates, ie: “I like cooking AND baking. WHAT ABOUT IT?” or “My fantasy football team is losing. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a poet AND I watch football! So shove it.” or “Beatles or Stones while I write? Yeah, I like them both. Deal.”

You guys know none of these things are mutually exclusive, right? And that we’re all not actually cardboard mannequins and we don’t expect you to be either? And it’s rude to tell mass groups of people to “shove it” or “deal” when none of us has challenged you? We really don’t care. We really, really aren’t shocked to hear that you like hiking and knitting. And none of your “complexities” are actually that complicated. I mean, ok, hiking takes place outside, and generally knitting is an indoor activity, so I guess that is pretty wild.

3. To the cat video lovers:

Sigh. I’m not going to ask you to stop posting the videos. I’m pretty sure it’s a disorder at this point and you can’t help yourselves. And sometimes, it totally pays off to click that stupid little triangle that means “play,” aka “I’m going to devote the next x number of minutes in my life to this stupid piece of crap that will probably improve my day in a way that is completely out of proportion to what is healthy.”

But really— really— I do not have to watch that video. It is not an imperative. Telling me that I have to makes me hate you and the video and the person who posted the video and their parents for conceiving them and whatever vet did not fix that effing cat’s parents.

This video really is quite charming, though. But you don’t have to watch it! Only if you want to! Only if it makes you happy. If it helps— as far as I know, Skechers had nothing to do with this, it has a Beluga whale AND a Mariachi band and I like them both so you can DEAL with it, and I will admit that it makes me irrationally pleased.

Love,

MM

Dear Facebookers

22 Feb

Dear Facebookers,

Look, lovies, I know I write a lot about you, but I think we’re all trying to figure out this new world of social media and online interaction and it turns out I have a lot of thoughts about how this should work.

So here we go. I’ll be Dear Abby and offer you (un)solicited advice with no credentials.

I should probably admit I’m not the best Facebooker. I’m reticent about revealing too much about my personal life, which just isn’t any fun in a voyeuristic fishbowl. And I rarely post pictures, which is clearly one of FB’s best features. Also I rarely post funny status updates. And I don’t put my relationship status up on FB, which is definitely my favorite thing to spy on with other people.

Ok, fine, I suck at Facebook. Then again! Let’s talk about the rest of you.

There’s a certain ex-boyfriend,

who never posts ANYTHING on Facebook. Like seriously, he might as well not exist. His profile information is still things I filled out for him when we were dating. AWKWARD. Also, that was eight years ago. Back when FB was restricted to college kids. I know, who even remembers that anymore (most of us).

I think it’s because he secretly still hopes to become a politician despite his current path. Perhaps magically, without running for office or interning or working in politics, someone will just hand him a spot in a race. He’s pretty good at shaking hands and smiling, so maybe it’ll work, I don’t know.

Interestingly enough, the other person who I think may still harbor dreams of running for president also doesn’t use Facebook. I understand this desire for privacy on the internet, and I understand not wanting drunken pictures of yourself floating in the nether-regions of the tubes, but I’m pretty sure our next president will use social networking to his/her advantage and really, fully exist on FB.

There’s that friend of a friend,

who uses a fake name and never posts pictures and never updates her status except on certain game days. Sometimes she posts songs. Apparently she likes Kanye West. This tells me nothing about her.

She adds nothing to my online life. In fact, at this point I don’t know if I know her real name. This will be awkward, because this is a person who clearly wants her “real” life and her “online” life to remain demarcated, and so calling her by her “online” name will not be appreciated. This is her own damn fault.

There’s those girls,

who post pictures every single weekend of themselves going out. Maybe they’re woo girls, maybe they’re not. (Woo girls are girls who woo. Duh.)

But every week, without fail, there are new pictures of them. In fact, a whole new album. At a bar. With a group of friends. In a semi-circle. Smiling. With drinks in their hands. And slightly annoyed or completely trashed onlookers behind them, pushed to a corner by this Kodak moment of inebriation.

Look, I’m glad people do this whole “going out” thing, I hear it can be fun, you all look healthy and happy in the pictures. Are you trying to make the rest of us feel bad for staying home and also for not having perfect hair?

But…I just…I’ve looked at some of these pictures….and….well….I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. Are you photoshopping in new outfits?!?

Also, how are you all consistently smiling at the same time? I’ve tried to coordinate drunk people and it’s like herding goldfish. Even in a small bowl, they constantly elude your grasp in favor of talking to that dude or changing the song on the jukebox or by needing to pee.

Does this mean that you take like 300 pictures every Friday night and the 40-60 I see on Facebook are only the best ones?!?

WOO.

And then there’s that person who lived on your dorm floor your freshmen year,

who is now married and has a baby and appears to live in the suburbs in a house he bought with his new wife. And every time he posts something, you think of him walking down the dorm hallways in his pajamas, chatting while he brushed his teeth. At the time, it seemed perfectly normal. Now, you wonder what a healthy length of time spent brushing your teeth really is— it’s not the 10-15 minutes it took for him to make the rounds.

Maybe it was an early sign of his ability to be responsible. His baby’s teeth are probably really healthy.

Anyway, his baby’s really adorable and often wearing hats—babies in hats are almost as designed for the internet as cats— and he and his wife look really happy together in their wedding pictures and those are definitely the best kinds of pictures— major life events— to scroll through on FB. They’re probably in love.

Whatever.

MM

Dear Awesome Facebook Status Updates

24 Jan

Dear Awesome Facebook Status Updates,

I’ve done some serious facebook bashing/mocking/whathaveyou in the past but I don’t think I’ve given full credit to the awesomeness that good facebook status updates deserve.  Someone should make a flip calendar out of these gems.  Case in point:

WHICH ONE OF YOU KEEPS RECALLING ALL OF MY LIBRARY BOOKS ON EXPERIMENTAL / AVANT-GARDE CONTEMPORARY AMERICAN WOMEN’S POETRY? I know I know you.

Followed by a friend’s helpful suggestion to leave a note inside for a potential future soulmate.

BRILLIANT. Would that not be the best ‘how we met’ story ever?  And for once Facebook would be partially responsible for bringing people together NOT in a creepy stalker way.

Also, it’s time I admit that I get most of my weather, sports, and world news from Facebook.  Although I have to admit, the world seems eerily focused on Seattle weather, Husky sports, and non-profit and literary news, in a way that doesn’t quite match my weather here in San Diego, these “Chargers” and “Steelers” and “Saints” other people talk about, and this lack of funding / complete apathy towards non-profits and literature I hear exists in this country—

but I only leave my house to go to used bookstores or to go to Whole Foods , so my bubble isn’t really burst when I get off my computer…isolation and selective exposure work both ways, people!  Don’t let the Tea Partiers have it all to themselves!  Make it your own! Run for office on a platform that people actually care about education and words and art and starvation and health care!  People will call you delusional.  They’ll say you don’t know the statistics, that you’re imbalanced.  Don’t listen!  Put poems on your websites and refuse to take them down!  Insist they make sense!

I assume everyone else’s FB is filled with status updates about the Huskies and avant-garde feminist poetry, too?  Non?

Also, without Facebook Status Updates and link sharing, how else would I find beautiful websites, such as Fuck Yeah! Ryan Gosling ?  And such beautiful articles as You Should Date An Illiterate Girl ?

My point is, my friend with the recalled poetry books may meet her soulmate through FB, or possibly through the note she’s going to leave in the book— which is old-fashioned and charming and something our grandmothers might have done and FB is completely unnecessary to the process and such opportunities are why Kindles are trying to destroy the world by killing our chances at reproduction– or maybe not.

But either way, Facebook: the new, updated, expanded vision of the old lady peering out her kitchen windows into the house next door, down the street, over the hill, across the city, judging and shaking her head and smiling when those two crazy kids finally video chat in person after months of “liking” each other’s status updates.  OH LOVE.  YOU SO CRAZY.

Bless.

MM

Dear People Who Post Cryptic Melodramatic Status Updates on Facebook

19 Oct
Dear People Who Post Cryptic Melodramatic Status Updates on Facebook,

Such as:  “I hate some people!  Why can’t they figure their s*** out?!?”

“Friends suck!  If you can’t follow through, go to hell!”

“i hate it when friends don’t look at you when they answer your question clearly demonstrating they are mad despite claims to the contrary!!!”

“i just feel so alone.  why did he leave?” (WHY DID HE LEAVE? FOR GOD’S SAKE, TELL US.)

“i really effed up.”

“going into labor.  i’m so mad at him.”  (HAHA. Actually, feel free to post that anytime you like.)

A) IF YOU’RE GOING TO POST MELODRAMATIC CRAP, TELL US WHAT’S ACTUALLY GOING ON

so we can all be the creepy voyeurs we are and know what’s up.  instead of: “i am so sad some people cannot be trusted” I would much rather see: “My boyfriend cheated on me with my co-worker last night in the office and I walked in on it” a la Cosmopolitan confessions.  Then tell us all the details in the comments.

If you’re going to dish the gossip, bring it to the table piping hot and whip off the serving dish top so we can eat with it a soup spoon.  Don’t throw a few crumbs in the general direction of the dining room.  Savvy?

B) OR KEEP YOUR PERSONAL LIFE OFF THE FACEBOOK.

Hey guys, remember when it was called THE Facebook?!? As in, www.thefacebook.com???  Yeah, that happened.

Back to business: when you’re sad / lonely / disillusioned / just been cheated on / fighting with a friend: call someone.  Preferably your mother or someone else obligated to listen to your sob stories at inconvenient times.  If you’re friends with me, you can call me (graduate student: always willing to procrastinate and very few real obligations on my time).

If you’re not friends with me, stay away from me.

BUT THE INTERWEBS ARE NOT YOUR PILLOW: aka, you cannot sob into them and not be judged.  People judge you for the crap you post.  I judge you. If you post things like, “Glad I know who my real friends are” immediately after a life change— like moving out of house with roommates or getting married or going through a traumatic alien encounter— your friends will suspect you are talking about them.  You will never be able to convince them otherwise, because they will never ask, because you put it on Facebook.

Because despite the fact that we all stare at Facebook for something like 80% of our workday (broken up into 20-second increments)….we still don’t publicly acknowledge it for the most part in face-to-face interactions.  When someone says, “Hey, I got engaged!” standard response is not: “Duh saw it on your FB like 2 min ago.”  FOR GOOD REASONS LET’S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

Thx. Srsly. 4Reals.

MM

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