Tag Archives: facebook status updates

Dear Facebook Friends and Not-Friends (Facebook is a Goldfish Bowl)

2 May

Do single people use Facebook more than married people, or coupled people? Is it really just an elablorate dating site for those interested in (re)connecting with those they (used to) know? Do happy people or sad people use Facebook more often? Those who live in the cities with their families or without?

How many friends is too many? What’s the point of “defriending” versus “hiding” on your newsfeed? Is that person really of so little value to you that it’s not worth it to keep them, even on a virtual back burner? What if you need to contact them to ask who their dentist is?

Why am I not friends with hardly anyone I went to elementary school with? What’s the deadline on friending people who you should’ve friended in the first two years of being on FB but did not, and now it has been six or eight, and you all have survived without each other this long, but why? I would totally read your status updates. I would totally click on your wedding pictures.

I am often bored with my newsfeed; what is my resistence to expanding it? Why do people call it “cleaning house” when they go through and defriend people? How many phone numbers are in your phone that you don’t use and is it the same thing? (I say no.)

But I won’t friend people who I don’t know. If you don’t know me but you like this blog, then like the DMP Facebook page or follow me on Twitter. FB is for people whose faces I have seen, hands I have touched, people who I played duck duck goose with or more likely who tripped me on the asphalt. I check my security settings regularly. I don’t have friend groups; I don’t post anything that I’m not willing to let everyone I am friends with see. I’ve defriended someone once, when I wasn’t interested in giving that person information that could remotely clue them in to my whereabouts or even my pyschological state. You’re allowed to cut people off who are toxic. But those who are merely unnecessary at this moment? Things change. You can’t re-friend. It’s awkward. They know. Believe me. You would know, wouldn’t you.

When will we start handing out our FB contact info to strangers we meet in bars (but do we do that, anymore? or do we just FB message people we once thought we could’ve had something with?) rather than phone numbers or even emails? I’d like that. Feels safe, if clunky.

I had goldfish when I was younger. My parents tried many things to keep me from begging for a dog: goldfish, cats, newts. All of these were terrible animals. The cats were lazy, dumb, and skittish. The newts ate their own feet and released some sort of toxic smell from those little white nubs that never went away. The goldfish wouldn’t stay alive.

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Dear Facebook Timeline

23 Apr

We all hate it. We all hate change every time it happens on FB, yes, and then like lemmings we throw ourselves off the cliff and continue to overshare online. Really, FB’s tagline is “TMI.”

So why? Why do we hate timeline? Why do some of us (guilty) hate it so much that we continue to hold out, hoping against hope that Zuckerberg will just never notice us lurking in the corners?

We carefully avoid that stupid little button that says “Get Timeline Now” like a hyperactive kindergarten teacher shilling naptime. You know it’s not really for your own good. Even as kid you were all, “Yeah, and what’re you going to do while I sleep?” Now that we have friends who are teachers we know: check Facebook. (How’s that for a transition?)

1. It’s stupid hard to find things on people’s profiles, even stuff you saw just a minute ago and you know definitely is there.

It’s even harder on Timeline than it used to be. Speaking of, why doesn’t FB have a better topical search button yet? It’s called “google search” and my understanding is that it’s basically HPV: already there, just waiting to be found.

2. You have to be a graphic designer to use it and what if I’m not, Facebook, GTFO.

Seriously. Timeline requires some sort of aesthetic/graphic aptitude: your cover photo and profile picture have to complement each other. Have you seen someone’s profile where they don’t? It’s ugly as sin. AND WHAT IF I DON’T HAVE GRAPHIC APTITUDE, FACEBOOK. YOUR MOM HAS IT.

I already have to make graphic design decisions concerning this blog and god, shoot me now. you’ll notice it hasn’t changed in two years, and didn’t change in the 2 years before that. And every time I do post a photo I realize– oh wait this has to look not-barfy against that yellow banner. Do any of you want to come draw sketches for me?

3. Have you even looked in the mirror lately, Facebook? That isn’t body dysmorphia disorder. You’re weird now.

Timeline does not look good with FB’s surrounding layout– the way that little bar at the top scrolls down with it? The settings buttons at the top which keeps the cover photo from truly being a banner, which is how we’re accustomed to seeing it work on blogs? It’s like a truly terrible tumblr theme.

It only took me seventeen tries to get a decent cover photo / profile pic combo! You?

The huge gaps in the profiles of people who almost never use FB look awful– thus forcing you into an “all or nothing” sort of use. That is, if you want your own wall to look palatable. You know how you know it’s a bad design, though? Even if people do post photos all the time, if the pictures aren’t through the same filter, or taken with similar lighting, they look strange lined up next to and against each other. Our eyes can’t reconcile them. There’s a reason movies don’t generally film every other shot with different tints to them. Film editors are paid billions of dollars to fix such discrepancies.

All those “buttons” under the cover photo (“friends, maps, etc.”)? First of all, you have to use those functions for it to be visually appealing, which most of us don’t. See that blue box with “158″ and the thumbs up in the picture above? It looks dumb. It needs an image. Second of all, the colors of them also should be in the same color family. (Right? “Color family” is a thing? See above lack of visual design ability.) But you have no control over what those buttons display.

4. What it leads to: the apocalypse and paid Facebook wall designers.

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Dear Facebook Comments on Engagement Status Updates

27 Jan

Dear Facebook Comments on Engagement Status Updates,

It’s January, so everyone’s gearing up for wedding season. Which is in the summer, I believe, unless you live in the Southwest, and then it *should* be in the winter, but for some warped reason, is not. Or maybe it is, what do I know.

The point is, people on my FB newsfeed are getting engaged, and good for them, whatever. I say whatever because I have basically no opinions on whether or not they should be— if I find out about an engagement on FB, chances are good I’m not in that close touch with the couple and really can’t speak to their “readiness.”

Right about now you’re all, “Whaaaa? No opinions? What is even happening right now?” And you’re flailing your arms around like a muppet without a puppeteer, because your world is crashing down around you.

Yes. That is how much I imagine you care about the things I say. Leave me to it.

So people— let’s call them Adam and Eve, random names I picked for no reason, certainly no other couple in the world has ever been paired with those monikers— get engaged on FB. I mean, they get engaged in real life (at least I hope), and then they put it on FB. And they’ve been together for 2.6 years, and own 1.3 dogs and have 6.7 Apple products between the two of them, and 17.8 pieces of Ikea furniture. Adam and Eve post 123 pictures of food on FB per year, and 1,234 vacation pictures, and only wear matching sunglasses ironically.

Ok, so I’m lying. They totally wear the matching sunglasses sincerely, and it’s more like 14.2 Apple products. The point is, they’ve been together a decent length of time, and they’re 25 years old.

And then about 345 people “like” the engagement status post and say a bunch of things like, “Congratulations!” and “Congrats!” and just the word “C!” which I assume in this context continues to communicate felicitations, and not the other C-word. But maybe that post was from an ex, what do I know. But he should keep it to himself at that point.

And then approximately half the people (that would be 172.5) say some variation of this: “Finally!” or “It’s about time!” or “It’s been too long!”

Now look, I’ve had some tank tops longer than 2.6 years. I know couples who have been together for 8 years without getting married. (This does not make them “casual” or “unsure,” by the way. And no, these are not people who “don’t believe” in marriage and so will never get married. They just haven’t. Yet.) I’ve been with my coffeepot for four years now, and while I like it, and it makes me happy every single day, I’m not ready to marry it. And yes, sure, my parents got married at 26, but I turn 26 in March, and I think I might spend my birthday going to see The Hunger Games.

Not that married people don’t like The Hunger Games, too, but perhaps you get my drift. Twenty-five year olds are doing different things now than they used to…..for example, my aunt and uncle were going to see Animal House, not The Hunger Games. And they’re divorced now.

I’m making jokes, yes, but I’m really very serious when I say that really— really—- it has not been too long when Adam and Eve, who have been dating for 2.6 years and who are 25 years old, get engaged. What, were they supposed to get engaged before they could officially sync all their devices through iCloud? Before they’d filled their Pinkberry punchcards? Before they’d weathered fifteen seasons of American Idol? (Is that show on six times a year? I don’t understand.)

Yes, I’m still making jokes. But it does take time to get to know someone. And then things change, and you have to get to know them all over again. And you have to get to know this third entity you’ve created between the two of you, your relationship. And then you move, and you have to get to know a new city. And then once all that is done, maybe you just want to be together. For a while. And then for longer. And then for a few years after that. And maybe you love them, but you’re still unsure for whatever number of good or bad reasons, or maybe you’re very sure, but you aren’t ready to get married, or your bank account isn’t ready to get married, or your Apple products are still adjusting to a blended household.

Weddings aren’t going anywhere. Neither is the person you’re with. And if they are– if they’re threatening to leave you if the two of you don’t get married– and if they’re doing so because you clearly aren’t committed and they’re trying to get you to prove it by slapping a ring on it– or because they’re feeling competitive with their FB newsfeed even though the two of you, together, as a couple, don’t really want to get married– then maybe we should all be posting “finally!” when FB shows that tiny broken heart next to your names. Or at least we’ll think it.

Except for that person who’ll post, “Oh no! But you two were perfect for each other! What happened?!?”

On the other hand, this morning FB let my friend in Boston tell me where to buy these cute shoes I’ve been wanting for a year. So it really does help us connect in very meaningful ways.

MM

Dear Aggressive Facebook Status Updates

15 Aug

Dear Aggressive Facebook Status Updates,

1. To the people who are yelling about shoes: “STOP buying BOBS! They’re UGLY! And they’re not Toms!“

Oooooookay. First of all, Bobs shoes look exactly like Toms. I mean, that’s part of the complaint, right? So if you think Toms aren’t ugly, then Bobs are also not ugly. Second of all, brand loyalty is fine, but everyone does understand that it’s a personal preference, right? As in, should not be imposed on others?

Look, I get that Tom’s is a small, independent company and Skecher’s is the evil corporation, etc, etc. But any business/corporation supporting a cause you agree with is great and sure, maybe Skecher’s could have been more original about this whole thing, but isn’t part of what’s great about a competitive market system that little companies put pressure on bigger companies to behave in better ways and we as consumers get to decide before, during, and after?

And no, I don’t think the “ugly” question has been settled. But whether you think Toms are ugly or not, whether they fit your feet perfectly or not, whether you own any pairs or not, whether you support social marketing and socially conscious businesses or not….I mean, can’t we all agree that they’re LITTLE PAIRS OF SHOES MADE OF FABRIC.

They’re not as divinely mind-boggling as, say, sex or Kate Middleton’s hair or fig and carmel gelato or Ryan Gosling’s beguiling bone structure or guacamole and beer on a hot summer day.

2. To the people who post irrationally defiant “I’m complex and unique” updates, ie: “I like cooking AND baking. WHAT ABOUT IT?” or “My fantasy football team is losing. Yeah, that’s right, I’m a poet AND I watch football! So shove it.” or “Beatles or Stones while I write? Yeah, I like them both. Deal.”

You guys know none of these things are mutually exclusive, right? And that we’re all not actually cardboard mannequins and we don’t expect you to be either? And it’s rude to tell mass groups of people to “shove it” or “deal” when none of us has challenged you? We really don’t care. We really, really aren’t shocked to hear that you like hiking and knitting. And none of your “complexities” are actually that complicated. I mean, ok, hiking takes place outside, and generally knitting is an indoor activity, so I guess that is pretty wild.

3. To the cat video lovers:

Sigh. I’m not going to ask you to stop posting the videos. I’m pretty sure it’s a disorder at this point and you can’t help yourselves. And sometimes, it totally pays off to click that stupid little triangle that means “play,” aka “I’m going to devote the next x number of minutes in my life to this stupid piece of crap that will probably improve my day in a way that is completely out of proportion to what is healthy.”

But really— really— I do not have to watch that video. It is not an imperative. Telling me that I have to makes me hate you and the video and the person who posted the video and their parents for conceiving them and whatever vet did not fix that effing cat’s parents.

This video really is quite charming, though. But you don’t have to watch it! Only if you want to! Only if it makes you happy. If it helps— as far as I know, Skechers had nothing to do with this, it has a Beluga whale AND a Mariachi band and I like them both so you can DEAL with it, and I will admit that it makes me irrationally pleased.

Love,

MM

Dear Facebookers

22 Feb

Dear Facebookers,

Look, lovies, I know I write a lot about you, but I think we’re all trying to figure out this new world of social media and online interaction and it turns out I have a lot of thoughts about how this should work.

So here we go. I’ll be Dear Abby and offer you (un)solicited advice with no credentials.

I should probably admit I’m not the best Facebooker. I’m reticent about revealing too much about my personal life, which just isn’t any fun in a voyeuristic fishbowl. And I rarely post pictures, which is clearly one of FB’s best features. Also I rarely post funny status updates. And I don’t put my relationship status up on FB, which is definitely my favorite thing to spy on with other people.

Ok, fine, I suck at Facebook. Then again! Let’s talk about the rest of you.

There’s a certain ex-boyfriend,

who never posts ANYTHING on Facebook. Like seriously, he might as well not exist. His profile information is still things I filled out for him when we were dating. AWKWARD. Also, that was eight years ago. Back when FB was restricted to college kids. I know, who even remembers that anymore (most of us).

I think it’s because he secretly still hopes to become a politician despite his current path. Perhaps magically, without running for office or interning or working in politics, someone will just hand him a spot in a race. He’s pretty good at shaking hands and smiling, so maybe it’ll work, I don’t know.

Interestingly enough, the other person who I think may still harbor dreams of running for president also doesn’t use Facebook. I understand this desire for privacy on the internet, and I understand not wanting drunken pictures of yourself floating in the nether-regions of the tubes, but I’m pretty sure our next president will use social networking to his/her advantage and really, fully exist on FB.

There’s that friend of a friend,

who uses a fake name and never posts pictures and never updates her status except on certain game days. Sometimes she posts songs. Apparently she likes Kanye West. This tells me nothing about her.

She adds nothing to my online life. In fact, at this point I don’t know if I know her real name. This will be awkward, because this is a person who clearly wants her “real” life and her “online” life to remain demarcated, and so calling her by her “online” name will not be appreciated. This is her own damn fault.

There’s those girls,

who post pictures every single weekend of themselves going out. Maybe they’re woo girls, maybe they’re not. (Woo girls are girls who woo. Duh.)

But every week, without fail, there are new pictures of them. In fact, a whole new album. At a bar. With a group of friends. In a semi-circle. Smiling. With drinks in their hands. And slightly annoyed or completely trashed onlookers behind them, pushed to a corner by this Kodak moment of inebriation.

Look, I’m glad people do this whole “going out” thing, I hear it can be fun, you all look healthy and happy in the pictures. Are you trying to make the rest of us feel bad for staying home and also for not having perfect hair?

But…I just…I’ve looked at some of these pictures….and….well….I don’t know how to say this, so I’ll just say it. THEY ALL LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME. Are you photoshopping in new outfits?!?

Also, how are you all consistently smiling at the same time? I’ve tried to coordinate drunk people and it’s like herding goldfish. Even in a small bowl, they constantly elude your grasp in favor of talking to that dude or changing the song on the jukebox or by needing to pee.

Does this mean that you take like 300 pictures every Friday night and the 40-60 I see on Facebook are only the best ones?!?

WOO.

And then there’s that person who lived on your dorm floor your freshmen year,

who is now married and has a baby and appears to live in the suburbs in a house he bought with his new wife. And every time he posts something, you think of him walking down the dorm hallways in his pajamas, chatting while he brushed his teeth. At the time, it seemed perfectly normal. Now, you wonder what a healthy length of time spent brushing your teeth really is— it’s not the 10-15 minutes it took for him to make the rounds.

Maybe it was an early sign of his ability to be responsible. His baby’s teeth are probably really healthy.

Anyway, his baby’s really adorable and often wearing hats—babies in hats are almost as designed for the internet as cats— and he and his wife look really happy together in their wedding pictures and those are definitely the best kinds of pictures— major life events— to scroll through on FB. They’re probably in love.

Whatever.

MM

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