Tag Archives: christmas

holiday excuses and joys

21 Dec

Oh man, oh man, I give up.  I’ve been traveling, and then I got the flu, and then I was eating Christmas cookies and watching bad movies, and well…now I’m going to be traveling again.

In case you’ve been wondering, Tron was fun to look at, but I’m starting to wonder why Hollywood thinks we can’t simultaneously handle pictures and plot AT THE SAME TIME. I know, I know, revolutionary concept.  I’ve got to stop thinking so outside the box.  On the other hand, I strongly recommend Body Heat, Night Shift, and gingersnaps.

Also fires.  In the fireplace.  Try to get a dog and get the dog to nap next to you.

My point is, Dear Mr. Postman will be back to regularly scheduled programming after December 26th.  I hope you all have a lovely winter solstice / Christmas / Chinese-food-dinner-and-movie-watching night.  I hope you all have warm socks and cute hats and hand-knitted gloves.  I hope you all have hugs.

Holidays cheers,

MM

Dear Holiday Parking Lots

23 Dec

Dear Holiday Parking Lots,

Ooooh you make me CRAZY. Why can’t people maintain frontal lobe function during the holidays?

I think I saw Mother Theresa hitting the hood of someone’s car with her wimple this morning. She really wanted to park her heavenly scooter in that space.

Maybe I should ask for a novelty car horn for Christmas…maybe one that plays “Empire State of Mind” or “All I want for Christmas Is You” since those seem to be permanently stuck in everyone’s mind anyway. How mad would that make you, if you’d just gotten rid of one of those, and someone honked and their horn starting blaring the chorus?

Or maybe “Silent Night.” Ha. IRONY.

Be aggressive! Bee-e-ee a-g-g-r-e-s-s-i-v-e!

Oh wait. No, that’s not right…um….ah….

Be safe. That’s the one I’m looking for.

Cheers,

MM

Dear Tights

18 Dec

Dear Tights,

With the awesome vertical stitching and general cute-ness: you say one size fits all.

YET. I am 5’6″.

Also known as NOT THAT TALL and your crotch doesn’t reach my crotch and that means we have a PROBLEM. I am making the universal sign for crotch-to-crotch dysfunction right now. It came out of trying on vintage onesies and jumpsuits but it is applicable here and now so I am putting it into service. Someday there will be a youtube video. You heard it here first. Such a gesture exists and it comes in handy surprisingly often.

Also known as I went out and bought three different pairs of tights because it was the mall and there was a live band playing and children screaming and strollers blocking the escalators and my mother and sister discussing minute details of fabric compositions and salespeople offering “three for $27″ and the people and music and lights, my god, the very holiday spirit of it all throwing up all over me…

When I was little, I hated tights. They pulled in places that you don’t want things pulling, then now or ever. As a result, I forced my mother to buy my tights just a *little* bigger than I needed them.

A Very Merry Matching Velvet Christmas (and yes, I think that is a pizza)

As a result, I had saggy knees from the ages of about two to six (oh all right then, nine). At which point I refused to wear tights entirely.

It's like I'm wearing leg warmers for crying out loud.

Now I’m an adult, so I am fractionally more tolerant of things that aren’t comfortable. Thought I still mostly get dressed by the feel test: ie, how soft does this feel? does it have stretch? (Hey people, don’t judge. Some of my classes are three hours long and yes we sit in those individual table-chair amalgamations that might actually be relics from medieval days of torture.)

But above and beyond that, today my sister said, “I just got these tights that I’m wearing. And they’re a little too big. And they are so much more comfortable this way.”

Yep. That happened.

Love,

MM

PS– If any of you want to share your old Santa photos / matching-velvet-dresses-with-lace-collars pictures, you know where to find me.

PPS– What is that Santa looking at? How did two children manage to look straight into the camera, and he, who not only is an adult but looks into that cheeping stuffed animal’s eyes professionally, is staring way off into right field?

Dear Christmas Card

15 Dec

Dear Christmas Card,

It's Seattle! On my refrigerator!

You made my day.

Thank you.

Love,

MM

PS– Happy Holidays, everyone!

…Let the madness begin.

Dear Mr. Postman (again)

10 Dec

Dear Mr. Postman (again),

First of all, it makes me really happy when I see your scruffy face behind the counter at the post office.  You seem to talk more and move faster than all the other post office workers.  And you certainly have more personality.

This week, you said, “Anything explosive?  Flammable?  Dangerous?  Spellbinding? Entertaining? Staggering or heartbreaking?”

“No no no yes yes definitely,” I hurried to keep up.

“Applications? English? Teaching?” you rapid-fired, barely glancing at one 9 x 12 envelope.

“Writing,” I said.

“I’m a songwriter, you know,” you said.  I didn’t know.  So you told me more about it.

Journey was kind of your style, but a little different, you know, and have you ever heard of The Roaches, from New Jersey?  On YouTube, The Roaches from New Jersey, I should really look them up, good band, good sound, so you were humming one day and a friend said it sounded just like a The Roaches song, and  you looked them up, on YouTube, and it was, your song was just like them, so you sent them a tape, and they liked it, they did.

“They liked it?  That’s great,” I say, glancing at the 10 Christmas packages marching down the aisle, the 5:47 pm clock, my envelopes stacked and stamped and not going anywhere.

“Yeah, but I want them to record it, you know, not just like it, so,” you say.  “Hey!”  you say, “hey do you still have cassette tapes?  You know cassettes?  You bring one in and I’ll make you a tape, a cassette tape, for you, one writer to another.”

“Next week,” I promise.  “I’ll be back next week.”

Do I have cassette tapes?  I think my car still plays them…maybe I can let him record over an old Neil Diamond tape?  But I love Neil Diamond.  But do I want to pay for a new blank tape?  Maybe my mother, from when she did research and stuff– you know, back in the nineties.  With cassette tapes.

Mixed tapes = definitely in for Christmas.  Your loved ones will appreciate the hours you spend rewinding, and pausing, and backing up just a little, then forward…almost…just one more…damn missed it again…

The Roaches = they’re something all right.  Perhaps something on the radio.

Cheers, ciao, au revoir my funny moustached mailman, until we meet again.

MM

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.