Tag Archives: celebrity gossip addiction

Dear Kindle Readers

9 Aug

Dear Kindle Readers,

How am I supposed to know what you’re reading?  And therefore, how am I supposed to know if you’re smart?  Or shallow?  How am I supposed to strike up a conversation without being able to say, “Oh, I read that”?

(I guess I could try it anyway.  And then try to bullshit my way through it when you say in response: “Oh, really?  You read Everything You Need to Know About Elephants and Your 18th Century British Trading Company?”)

How am I supposed to know if you’re someone I want to date?

I mean, come on, I already can’t see you walking down the street and judge you by the music on your boombox.  Further into our relationship, I can’t walk into your apartment and check out your record collection, or even your cassette tapes, or your cds.

And now I can’t judge you by your book cover?!?  This. is. tragic.  This is a catastrophe for the modern world.

I mean, yes, you probably wouldn’t have spent $189.00 on a digital reading device if you aren’t a so-called “reader.”  And yes, with a Kindle, I too could avoid being judged when I want to read trash in public.  (And sometimes a girl needs to read a little trash. Why else do you think we get haircuts so often and it takes us so long?)

But what about when I’m reading something smart?  How will you know I’m intellectual and hip if you can’t see that I’ve got a sustainable food narrative in my hands?  That I’m scholarly and literary if you can’t see the frayed edges of my well-loved Aeneid?  That I’m sensitive and artistic if Collected Poems isn’t typeset across my book cover?

I mean, seriously, what’s next?  Do I have to judge you based solely on whether or not you have a fixed-gear bicycle? What’s going to happen to all the New Yorker readers when it stops printing hard copies?  Will they have to wear name tags to identify themselves to one another as being fit for cultural conversation?

Will we all stop wearing clothing so I won’t even be able to judge you by the stitching on your jeans pockets???

Say it ain’t so,

MM

Dear New Moon

7 Dec

Dear New Moon,

Let’s do some quick math. There are approximately 8 young men among your characters. Five in the wolfpack, Emmett the vampire, and of course of course the eminently prominent Jacob* and Edward (aka RobPat**). Of those, 7 at one point or another remove their shirts.

Your running time is 2 hrs 1 min, or 121 min. Divided by 7, divided by total time spent by each of those boys on screen, minus the extreme lowness of RobPat’s pants during that one scene (I mean seriously, I wasn’t sure he was wearing pants for a while– do they let him film in the nude in order to get him on set?), plus the amount of time K.Stew spent biting her own lip while looking at the shirtless boys, multiplied by the slope of Taylor Lautner’s neck muscles…

…equals about 92.3% shirtless boy time out of total movie time.

This isn’t a complaint.

WHO AM I KIDDING? I LOVED THIS MOVIE. I laughed and sighed and said, “OH HIGH SCHOOL” more than once. I totally know what it feels like to have a best friend you don’t want to lose who feels more strongly about you than you do him. I totally know what it feels like to wear ugly sweaters and giant raincoats to math class (grew up in Seattle, people. Not that far from Forks). I totally know what it feels like to have go dashing off to Rome at a moment’s notice to save my vampire boyfriend from committing suicide, effectively choosing him over my wolf boyfriend who was finally trying to kiss me and hopefully will not transfigure too close to my face or I will die, and of course they are natural enemies but they both love me even though I am a basically lame girl who is supposedly not that pretty (probably designated as so due to the fact that I have brown hair) and who has no personality whatsoever. I TOTALLY GET IT.

[Ok, on a side note, I actually have heard of grown women leaving their husbands after reading Twilight. Because their marriages didn't measure up to the standard of love presented . (Which is what? The "I would die for you but I can't because I'm immortal" standard? Yeah. That one.) As one trained mental health specialist put it, "I would say they have larger issues than Twilight. I would also question this designation of them as 'grown.'"]

But seriously. Pure trashy fun. Perfect after you have turned in your final, revised poetry portfolios for your first semester in an MFA program***. Entertaining to the ninth degree. And did I mention the shirtlessness?

Yeah. That.

MM

*aka Boy Taylor who is dating Girl Taylor– Swift, that is. We don’t even have to come up with a stupid nickname for them ala Bennifer or Brangelina. They come with it built-in. No batteries necessary.

**aka international heartthrob of girls who like pasty white boys, aka boy who may or may not be dating/doing Kristen Stewart but sweet hell don’t ask the insensitivity of you people always asking questions like she’s a celebrity and this is an interview or something.

***Hello. My name is Margaret Michelle. I am currently getting my MFA in poetry. I also like Twilight. [The views presented here are not condoned by and not in any way shape or form representative of the management, the network, my employers, my professors, my classmates, my friends, my parents, my books, and/or anything that I ever may have touched or spoken to.]

Dear Half-Shaved (Female) Heads

16 Jul

Dear Half-Shaved (Female) Heads,

So at least 2 of my friends went through stages wherein they wanted to shave their (female) heads, and I was…not supportive. I mean, their heads and hair grows back and all that, but overall there’s no way to pretend that I was encouraging. Or even neutral.

However. When you’re a celebrity and exempt from normal people issues (like feeling weird at the grocery store without hair or having a bad no-hair day or finding out you have a bumpy head or really awkward features when they are not framed by hair which is probably most of us, it’s nothing to feel ashamed about…or really mostly just me having to hear about those things) and you kind of have mythical creature status because you’re a rockstar/model and the only times I ever see you, you look pretty hot because you’ve been styled out the kazoo and you’re prepped for photogs…then you get to do things like shave your head.

Kind of hot, no? (image from missbehavemag.com)

Kind of hot, no? (image from missbehavemag.com)

And surprise me when I find it oddly hot in a very retro punk kind of way. Which we all know is the best kind of way to be hot right now. For those of us who can pull it off, which is not me. (I’m getting my haircut today and I’m trying to maintain a firm grip on reality. Which is to say not only am I not shaving half my head, I am also trying to remember that I do not have straight, fine hair and should not ask to look like people who do). The point is, “Cassie” as a “singer” can pull it off and so can Alice Dellal as a model over here.

Alice Dellal doesn’t get quotes because she has a real name, with a first one and a space in between and then a last one. Cassie, on the other hand, missed the essential part of becoming a one-name sensation, which is to choose something kind of unusual so when I talk about her, people don’t think I’m referring to my old writing teacher or the neighbor’s dog or that girl in my class who once got chewing gum in her hair. Which, come to think of it, might be why “Cassie” now has a half-shaved head.

And then! I saw some girl walking around the outdoor mall the other day with SHORT hair and a half-shaved head and it was CUTE. And she was wearing a sheath dress and sandals, like she had just been working at J.Crew or good old Banaaaana Republic. So real life, not so punk rockstar, more working preppy shopgirl with a half-shaved head. So a High Five for her.

Really, no, I’m not tempted, just surprised and admiring, and actually, I like the short-hair twist on things better. Especially of us real people. Probably this will pass in a month or so.

My approval, if not the trend. Trends so rarely end when I think they should.

With just a little bit! of punk envy,

MM

Dear Britney Spears

6 Mar

Dear Britney Spears,

Things you (almost) never hear people say:

1. Ugh, I can’t believe I was such a good mother to my children and raised them so well.

2. What was I doing, being sober and wearing shoes in gas station bathrooms all those years?!?

3. I’m really glad I married that asshat Kevin Federline.

Glad to see you’re (maybe?) on the road to recovery. Or at least that whoever you are letting run your life now is doing a better job.

I wouldn’t, if I were you– and I say this in the nicest way possible– marry anybody else. For a while. Just take a break.

Best wishes,

MM

Dear People Who Hate People Who Read Trashy Magazines

18 Nov

Dear People Who Hate People Who Read Trashy Magazines,

I understand that celebrity gossip addiction is a terrible thing. Really, I do. It causes a slowdown in grocery lines (although true addicts just pick it up and go, or have it delivered to the house. It’s those of us who can’t admit we want to stare at those glossy pictures that stall in line). Other symptoms include the inability to have a conversation without referencing television, movie, or true-life! storylines, and referring to people you have never met as intimately as if they are dear friends (Well, it’s like Gwynnie said, you really just can’t have it all…).

Worst of all, it’s often accompanied by a compulsion to shorten real, dictionary words down to single letters (omg) or nicknames (obvi), and to squish real, individual names together. This has resulted in several catastrophes for the English language. Brangelina, Bennifer, TomKat. The fact that OMG, SJP in SATC! makes complete sense to almost any woman (and most men) between the ages of 15 and 35 is just not okay. There’s also J. Lo, J. Lo. Hew, ScarJo, and LiLo. WTF.

So I feel your pain. I get it, I do. Celebrity gossip addiction (CGA or celebrigossiction) is dangerous, not only to those addicted, but to the people around them.

I’m a former English major! I’ve got a thing about words, I promise you. But when you walk around the world yelling about how much you hate people you read trashy magazines, well…

First of all, I don’t believe that you’ve never picked one up yourself.

Second, several of my very best friends read trashy magazines on a consistent (and proud) basis, and please watch how you talk about people I love.

Third, what the hell else am I supposed to read when I wait in line at the grocery store or go get my hair cut? Sometimes a girl needs to piece of trash, and 14 different fonts on a page, and some validation that celebrities drop food on themselves when they try to eat and walk. (See the Just Like Us! page from Us Weekly. Amazing, every time. They pick up their mail, and take the kids with them to the mall, and walk their dogs! It’s like they’re people?)

Finally, being pop-culture savvy is not an invaluable skill in this society. My friend K has used her gossip addiction to chitchat during interviews, bond with her boss in the elevator, and make new friends within minutes in a city where she doesn’t know anyone. Not that I’m advocating it as a professional skill, I’m just saying. Don’t become obsessed, but there’s no reason to be left out of the conversation. And quit hating on the people who can’t stop reading. That’s like hating all people who read books without pictures. Stage a gentle intervention, with an eye towards moderation, and pick out what dress you would like to wear to the Oscars when you confiscate their stack of glossies.

Love,

MM

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