Tag Archives: breaking up is hard to do

Dear Jessica Biel

6 Oct

Dear Jessica Biel,

I should probably start by saying I haven’t actually read a single thing about you getting dumped by Justin Timberlake.

I did, however, see a magazine cover while I was waiting in line at the Rite Aid from about seven feet away. It included highlights such as: Justin dumps Jessica over the phone! And, She won’t let go!

a) Ouch. Over the phone? I mean, can’t a girl get a video chat in this day and age? I’m sorry.

b) I understand why it’s hard to let go. It’s always hard to let go. No matter what. Harder, probably, to let go, when the person in question is Justin “Best Recovery Ever From Frosted Tips” Timberlake.

c) That being said, it’s best for all of us if you let go. I find you shockingly uninteresting and the only thing I know that you’ve done since 7th Heaven (…talk about a misleading title…) is Summer Catch.

d) Justin, call me!

e) I highly recommend the cliche of a pint of ice cream and Sex and the City reruns. Though I know people who prefer to work out after a break-up, and that’s cool too if it’s your thing (I do not understand this, but like I said, I’m supportive.)

Best,

MM

Dear Facebook Status Updates

12 Feb

Dear Facebook Status Updates,

You are dangerous, and should only be allowed in the hands of people who will not abuse you: aka people who will not use you as a Facebook function. At all, generally. Because you are either inane– “Sammy Toddan thinks it is cloudy outside today :( ” or waaaay, waaay too maudlin and personal.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is highly entertaining. Especially to my lovely and dear friend Eleanor who has a nose for the gems that can be found online as regarding other people’s lives. And she shares them. Which I definitely appreciate. As in the following Status Update Storyline she read to me this morning (names have been changed to protect those who apparently cannot protect themselves):

“Carl Winter Wilbaum and his wife are going honeymooning. From what I understand, Facebook does not extend into the mountains.” Relationship Status: Married.

“Carl Winter Wilbaum is it’s over. Talk to Christina.” Relationship Status: Divorced.

“Carl Winter Wilbaum is sorry. Our business is our own and not everyone on facebook. We do love you and will talk to you individually.” Comment from Nate: “um…..yeah…..i think that is in order soon.”

Real Life Comment from G at my dining room table (as in, not on the nebulous interwebs of Facebook): “Was he ever a normal person? Did he always excessively update his Facebook like this? Maybe the situation with his bride resulted in some sort of mental breakdown.”

At which point we figured out that Carl joined Facebook after he got married. As purely a format in which to express the emotional state of his marriage? The point is that, not only are employers now on Facebook, I know moms who are on Facebook. We’ll get into that and the resulting hilarity another time. And Carl is on Facebook! Everybody is on Facebook.

It’s like a giant waiting room outside a therapist’s office, where we all are trying to guess why the other people are there. Well, your status says you feel like broken glass and your relationship status says you’re single now and that boy over there is kissing a sherpa (literally, there is a picture of your boyfriend kissing something wearing fur and his status says he’s in Nepal) so maybe he’s gay? And moving to Kathmandu? And you, your status has said deee-ruuuunk for the last two months, and now you’re vacationing in California for six weeks? Hmm.

Resulting in such limited information as Jackson bought a bunch of chickens and a vespa and lives with his grandmother now. In Santa Barbara. Which is awesome. Congratulations.

At any rate, I would like to close by reminding you where we started: you should not be used lightly, Facebook Status Updates, and perhaps should not be used at all.

Consider this a PSA. And please, please, everyone keep your sex life and marital issues contained to your blog.

Cheers (and Carl, I hope everything works out for the best),

MM

Dear GChat (and other interweb things)

17 Dec

Dear GChat (and other interweb things),

You are AIM for adults. And oddly enough, even people who scoffed at AIM (my sister) now use you regularly. For extended conversations. With a friend, a boyfriend, and a sister. Simultaneously.

And here’s the thing: I had some Major Conversations on AIM in middle school and high school. Like tear-jerking, friendship-evaluating, crush-inducing chats. My recent experience with you, GChat, has not been nearly so emotionally draining. Then again, there’s been a significant decrease in drama in my life as a whole since I stopped passing notes in class and flirting with people next to their lockers in between fourth and fifth period.

Facebook, too, not nearly as drama-filled as it used to be. For one thing, most sane people have figured out that they should just leave their “relationship status” off the interwebs, because if people do not know you well enough to ask what is going on, they have no right to be informed anyway. And who wants everyone they’re Facebook Friends with to know when you break up? Gah. I guess it’s a personal preference, but it’s a strong one of mine.

It also results in some great moments. Like when my friend E got drunk a few nights ago, went over to her boyfriend’s house, and asked him why he wouldn’t be her Facebook Boyfriend. To which he replied, “…You won’t be my Facebook Girlfriend…” As she tells it, E went silent. And then said, “Oh yeah.” And moved on.

I’d like to point out that this is another great example of why no one should pick relationship fights (or almost any fights) when they’re drunk. And in the interest of full disclosure, I had a moment when Facebook told me the guy I am dating had changed his status from “Single” to… nothing. Oh yes, it’s true, it was a turning point. Or something.

GChat! I’m a big fan. You make AIM acceptable for adults, and I have fond memories. Plus you’re convenient. It drives me crazy to email back and forth one-liners about directions and what should I bring when I can see the other person is sitting on their computer. Then again, there are several people on my email list I have no desire whatsoever to ever, ever talk to in an online-chat-sort-of-format, and I haven’t figured out how to be invisible to a select few. Which would be a useful skill in real life as well. Google? Any thoughts?

Also, if anyone has any ideas about how to respond to the sign-off “Cheers!” on GChat, let me know. In an email, it’s easy enough to say it back. And not that many people say it out loud… but in an online chat? How do the Brits handle this?

Cheers!

MM

Dear Bill

27 Oct

Dear Bill,

You know that you will always be important to me. How could you not be? Even before I truly knew you, one of the first times I saw you, I felt drawn to you. “Why’s Bill on TV?” I asked my parents when I was eight. They laughed, and corrected me—we don’t call politicians by their first names, they said, you should say Bill Clinton or the President. But it felt right.

I know a sixteen-year-old who shook your hand, went home, and told her mother, I know why Monica did it.

I too know why Monica did it.

You are inexpressibly charming, a southern Democrat for the ages. The way you massaged that interviewer’s wrist last night is such a classic example of the way you make people want to give you what you want. When you talk, the enticing accent of Arkansas washes over me as I remember our times in Brainland and our vacations in Heartland, and I almost cannot go through with what I know I must do.

Bill, it’s over. There’s someone else. I have learned so much during our time together, and will never forget what you have taught me about how a face should look when one is praised publicly (half seduce-you-tonight and half yeah-that’s-right). But I was young when I fell for you, and I know now that it was just a crush. My new relationship has not been easy, but it is real and it is based in an understanding of adult responsibilities. We have common interests and are willing to do whatever it will take to make it work. Bill, I am in love with your wife Hillary.

You are charming, it’s true, but she is a fighter. I cannot resist the determination in her voice, the grit in her teeth, the way she loves me and my stories. Who else could make a comeback after what you did to her, could capture the white middle-class and the Black and the Hispanic vote, who else could morph into a shot-and-a-beer kind of gal while wearing an orange pantsuit and pearls? I think she wears animal print underwear beneath those jacket buttons. It makes her strong, it makes her audacious. It makes her want it all, and so she hungers after health care and money for the soldiers in Iraq, she craves not just relief for student loans, but rights for workers. And yes, things aren’t going her way right now, but she is still my candidate.

I hope you can forgive me. I care about you very much and wish you well. You will always be my first politician.

All my best,

MM

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