Tag Archives: barack obama

Dear Barack Obama

14 Sep

Dear Barack Obama,

I’d really rather you were…you know…running the country, rather than auctioning yourself off to have dinner with voters for $5 or more.

First of all, I hear we’re in kind of a bummer of a situation with this whole economy / Republicans refusing to let the government run kind of thing?

Second, there’s just…something…kind of…not right about the whole thing…something about auctioning off…I can’t quite put my finger on it…

Oh yes. You shouldn’t let them make into you into a sex symbol available to the highest bidder like that! Last I heard, you were not a sexy fireman on Long Island and the Democratic Party was not the local firehouse raising money through a swimsuit/suspenders calendar.

I mean, not that these aren’t desperate times, but.

$5? Have they really beaten your self-esteem down that badly?

Yours, A Concerned Citizen,

MM

Dear Veterans

11 Nov

Dear Veterans,

Thank you so much for serving our country.  You are not nearly as honored and valued as you ought to be.

So it’s really nice to see so many people appreciating you today via Facebook status update and elsewhere on the internet.  Where, you know, I’m sure most vets (especially the homeless ones, those who served in Vietnam and WWII, and those still in permanent long-term care) spend a lot of their time watching YouTube videos of cats.

Like me.  Look at me appreciating the hell out of you with this blog post.  Can you feel the internet love?  Like a big fuzzy tunnel wrapped around you with Al Gore’s face at the end of it.

Thank you.  Thank you for your bravery and sacrifices and time away from home.  Thank you for serving for the rest of us.  May we learn to take better care of your willingness to serve and of your minds and bodies when you return from war.  May we learn how to not fight in needless wars and to consider people everywhere as too precious and valuable to send towards or inflict violence upon in any form.  The young are always better used and better served as leaders, innovators, teachers, health care workers, and artists than they are as weapons or sacrifices.

May this be a day of peace in honor of soldiers.

MM

Dear Citizens of the USA

4 Nov

Dear Citizens of the USA,

Hey guys.  What’s up.  Are you feeling hungover?  I’m feeling hungover.  Halloween?  No.  Elections! Because: Congratulations! You’ve once again completely hobbled our government with poor choices at midterms!

Midterms: the Red Sox of politics.  They just can’t win.

I’d like to especially congratulate Washington state, which voted to end their candy tax.  Yes, my dear homestate voted to end their tax on candy.  More debt!  More debt!  Because we don’t want a tax on CANDY.  Because taxes are BAD.  “That’s my hard-earned money and I’ll spend it on candy if I want to!”  Yeah.  That happened.

And a shout-out to California, which voted down legalizing marijuana, despite the fact that every doctor here writes prescriptions for it.  But god, don’t legalize it!  Don’t divert that GIANT SKYSCRAPER OF DOLLAR BILLS from catching pot-smokers to education! California public schools: “They’re like Calcutta.”  Calcutta.

Who cares if our kids get learned if we can’t fine them for smokin’ the mary j!  Pot is bad.  It makes people play video games and eat candy.  Oh my god, I’ve found the missing link between Washington and California (hint: it’s not Oregon.)

And Iowa!  You suck! I don’t have a lot else to say to you, except you were ahead of the most of the rest of the country and you decided to throw that tractor in reverse.  Because gay marriage keeps corn from growing.  And corn is in candy.  And makes teenagers smoke pot.  Or something.  And judges should have to worry about elections like politicians do, because they shouldn’t actually base their decisions on the constitution or the legal system or anything.  That would just be silly.

On the other hand, the good people of Delaware did not elect Christine O’Donnell.  She really is a treasure.  And I mean that in the sense of where-did-this-lady-even-come-from.  Education system fail?  Maybe she went to school in California.

The good news is—actually, if you want good news, go to “What the Fuck Has Obama Done So Far”.

And that is the good news—-  Obama is still the president! Yep.  Weird, huh.  Midterms.  Who knew. Once again, The Superficial steps in with a dose of truth and a simultaneous reference to Palin and Jesus.

Whoooo two-party system… yay America… flag… apple pie… other things…

MM

PS– ok, ok, enough ranting and raving already.  Let’s go do something.  …Right after this webisode.

PPS– I just tagged “Jesus” in a blog post.  How do you think He feels about that? I bet Jesus would be a blogger if He were alive today.

Dear Federal Scientists of Oil Notoriety

5 Aug

Dear Federal Scientists of Oil Notoriety,

Look, it’s nice to know that there’s still some cock-eyed optimism in the world.  But generally I prefer my cock-eyed optimism to come from children and kicksy old folks, not federal scientists in charge of evaluating the damage the worst oil spill in history has done to the environment.

It’s great that “the ‘vast majority’ of the 205.8 million gallons released into the Gulf has either evaporated ‘or been burned, skimmed and recovered from the well head, or dispersed’” (Seattle Times).  Congratulations.  (Idiots.)

So you say 25% evaporated or dissolved.  24% was dispersed into droplets. 26% is on or below the surface in a sheen, tar balls, or has washed up onto shore, or is buried in sand or sediment, or is otherwise just hanging out with its pants undone.

Maybe I’m confused about basic science here, but…when things evaporate, don’t they just change form but you know, not actually disappear?  Couldn’t it potentially be harmful to have millions of gallons of oil in the air?  And the 24% in droplets… does oil change into water just because it’s in a raindrop shape?  And yes, ok, the oil all originally came from the earth, and so if it’s in sand or sediment, it’s returned to the earth (yes, in a biblical sense)—- but don’t birds and turtles and fish lay eggs in sand?  Sit on it?  Sunbathe with tanning oil….oh wait, that’s humans.  I guess that’s the plus side.  No need to bring your own tanning oil/instant cancer maximizer with you to the Gulf Coast anymore.  Just show up and roll around in the sand!

I get that I’m not an expert.  But by my count that’s 75% of the oil that’s almost (but not quite) as loose as Rollergirl.  So while your numbers might be right (doubtful), who taught you how to draw conclusions?  How did you get from the above to the  environmental damage is not as bad as predicted and to the leaking oil well poses little threat to the Gulf of Mexico?

SERIOUSLY, GUYS.  I’d like to know.  Because you’re making Inception look as straightforward as 2+2=4.

STOP THE MADNESS.  SAVE THE BABY (fill in the blank)S.

for the dodos’ sake,

MM

Dear Healthcare Reform

1 Oct

Dear Healthcare Reform,

You, my friend, are like a kidney stone.

We will all feel better once you have passed out of our blocked system and can roam freely in the world.

Hurry it up,

MM

PS– For a more factual letter– I mean, the kidney stone thing is pretty accurate, but it’s still not a fact, we all know I don’t look things up– please read on below to guest letter from SM. Views presented below reflect those of the guest author. Views presented above by regular author are not meant to offend kidney stones.

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