Tag Archives: abuse of power

Dear Wiggles

17 Jan

Dear Wiggles,

So I understand your concept.  Four to five men wear different colors and sing various age-appropriate and (very occasionally) educational original songs in bright landscapes.  Big Red Car (Toot Toot Chugga Chugga), Fruit Salad (Yummy Yummy), Hot Potato, etc.  And some not-so-original ones, like Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes (Knees and Toes).

But there is something…inappropriate in your execution.  As in, you’re grown men.  Squished into a child’s red car.  Traveling through what looks like Mario’s world.  And when you sing “yummy yummy,” you massage your breasts instead of rubbing your stomachs.  I don’t know if that’s because you’re Australian, or what, but…yuck.

I tend to kind of lean back in my chair, away from the YouTube as your videos play.  (I’m a nanny!  Shut up.)  Anyway, my friend Emma finally pointed out that part of why you’re so freaky is you kind of look and sound like live-action Teletubbies.  Which are disturbing in their own right.  Also, as she said, on Sesame Street, adults always acted like adults.  Children or animals were given the rights to over-exaggerated facial expressions and child-speak.  And as G, with years of experience in before- and after- school childcare pointed out, you might make a generation of children not properly wary of adult men who are overly friendly towards children.

You’re not even characters!  You wear different-colored shirts!  And black pants!  Like some sort of demented barbershop quartet!

Sesame street is educational, and the characters have developed personalities and very, very carefully avoid any sort of inappropriate social education.  The Muppets!  Amazing puppetry and always good for laughs.  What about Raffi?  The children’s music equivalent of Dr. Seuss?  As in, great artistic execution while supremely entertaining for both children and adults?

And now I’m officially one of those old people—“adults”—that complain that things were better and more wholesome in their day.  But let me tell you—you, Wiggles, have got to go.

No ifs, ands, or shades of yellow and red about it.

MM

Dear George W

11 Dec

Dear George W,

I’ve been patient up until now.  Or resigned, or defeated, or whatever you would like to call it.  Complacent, if you feel like being harsh.  We’ve had our laughs– that Bushisms calendar I gave my dad for Christmas last year really has seen us through these final months.  (He keeps his favorites and they live on our kitchen table at my sister’s and I’s places until we come home and read them.  Only then are they recycled.  Or perhaps he salvages them from the brown grocery bag in the pantry and frames them; I guess I don’t know.)

Some things I’ve got a no-tolerance policy on though: waking up a toddler when I’ve just gotten him/her down for a nap, using the last chocolate chips and not buying more, quietly eroding women’s rights and undermining basic health issues, and feeding me food so spicy my jaw hurts.  Ok, so maybe I’m hungry, as that seems a rather food-centric list.  And it’s definitely not complete.  At any rate, let’s talk about the third item down.

Georgie, that’s enough.  Stop it.  Health workers are required to provide the best care possible.  If they don’t want to provide health care, they should be in a different field.  And yes, providing emergency contraception to rape victims is health care.  It is basic health care.  Actually, emergency contraception falls under the category of–wait for it– gasp! contraception.  That’s right!  It’s not even abortion.  (Anyone want to talk about how that also is legal, and that also is health care?)  Anyone want to talk about how Georgie and his lovely wife have two children?  Either they’re really good at counting or they got a little help of the medical variety.

[I'm talking about George W. Bush's last minute somersaults as he leaves office:  as Martha Burk on the Huffington Post puts it, "W's Parting Gifts to Women."]

Honestly, shouldn’t you be trying to sneak out as quietly as possible?  What happened to senioritis, where lifting a pen seems like hard work?  Maybe the White House should start doing end-of-the-term yearbooks so you could be spending this time drawing moustaches on people and changing their names into dirty words?

It’s like this: we usually only hear half the nursery rhyme.  Full verses go….

George Porgie, Puddin’ and pie

Kissed the girls and made them cry

When the boys came out to play

Georgie Porgie ran away.

Here’s the thing, Georgie.  QUIT MAKING THE GIRLS CRY.  The bad guys are going to make you run away anyway.  And the men and women coming to town have work to do.  No more peeing in the sandbox before they get there.  Go home.

Just take a nap until January 20th.  I’m not saying please anymore.  I’m done counting to three.  In your room NOW.

MM

To the Office of the Vice President

28 Oct

To the Office of the Vice President:

First, thank you for your continued service to this country.

Second, it seems there is the need for some clarification regarding your duties and responsibilities. I would like to remind you that any information regarding the lawful parameters of your role can be found in the United States Constitution. If you’re having trouble pinpointing where, try Article 1 Section 3, and Article 2 Section 1. If you would like to know what will happen in case of your death, refer to the 25th Amendment. If you’re still having trouble, a summary is provided below:

  • Article 1 Section 3: if there’s a tie in the Senate, you can break it. You might not want to, there are political repercussions.
  • Article 2 Section 1: you can open an envelope. In the presence of others. So the votes inside can be counted (not by you).
  • 25th Amendment: if the President dies, and you die, the House Speaker gets the spot. If he dies, the president pro tempore, and if he dies, please refer to the British line of succession. There is also some very clear and nuanced information regarding other scenarios in which you become acting president. Please read them carefully and avoid creative interpretation.

Third, despite your recent attempt at exploration and self-definition, this organization is very strictly structured. Please feel encouraged instead to work on self-awareness. You work in the Executive branch.

All of the above applies to you currently and furthermore, will apply to you in the coming years. For recent offenses, please refer to the entire tenure of Dick Cheney and several comments made by Sarah Palin (see the transcript of the 2008 VP Debate as an example). Joe Biden appears to have a stronger grasp of what this position entails, but he also seems to have trouble reading the instructions on his teeth-whitening kit, so that will be taken into consideration when evaluating his application.

If you are lacking motivation, or if this position has become undesirable, please note that 14 of the 44 former vice presidents have become president. Also, you should know that seven vice presidents have died in office (one in his office in the capitol and two when fatally stricken on their way to the Senate. For other history regarding yourself, see Mark O. Hatfield’s biography here.) Harry Truman, you should know that playing the piano while Lauren Bacall sits on top of it is also inappropriate behavior, although a considerably more amusing and harmless misuse of power than those of late.

Please consider this an official warning. Further action will be taken on November 4th, and an evaluation will be conducted every four years thereafter.

Sternly,

MM


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