I thought I was desensitized to terrible Tinder profiles. You’d be amazed at how quickly your standards lower after a couple of months. Spelling errors all over his profile? Ehhhh; at least he isn’t holding a gun. Terrible Anchorman quote? Ehhhh; at least he spelled everything correctly.
After a while, profiles seemed fairly boring to me. Yep, made the same mistake the last five guys did of not really showing his face. Yep, another profile without anything other than “Sup?” in it. Yep, another profile detailing his love for Seahawks players in weirdly sexual terms.
I felt like I wasn’t taking nearly as many screenshots of bad/hilarious profiles to send to my friends as I had in my first month.
But when I came across something that struck me, I still dutifully stored it away.
And ok, I just went back through the screenshots for March to July, and DUDES ARE THE WORST. I’m sure there are terrible female profiles on Tinder, too. But this is about how DUDES ARE THE WORST.
The sad thing is, none of you are going to fight me on this. You haven’t even started reading and you’re all nodding, Yep yep. Dudes are the worst.
In fact, most of you are wondering how it took me this long to figure it out. It’s not that I didn’t know. It’s that I have to forget this idea long enough to go about my day in a functional way that allows me to interact with men I encounter. If I were thinking about these profiles all the time, I wouldn’t be able to buy an ice cream sandwich from the nice man at the 7-11.
Let’s get started, shall we? To make reading easier, I’ve grouped these in handy categories for you to compare. Sort of like “Who wore it best”? Except around here we play “Who imploded hardest”?
THE WOMEN WHISPERERS
Some of these might be jokes? Tone-deaf, poorly timed jokes? But since I can’t tell, they’re going in the pile.
I mean, I like ice cream and pizza…
Sup kitten, I’ll melt away your daddy issues like ice cream on the beach. Let’s get trashed in the moonlight and then I’ll buy you pizza
It just doesn’t really feel like you’ve ever talked to a real woman?
I’ll totally order dessert when I’m not hungry, because I know that’s what you want. What’s that? You don’t know where you want to eat? It’s ok girl, I’ll pick a spot. And I can listen to your day without trying to solve your problems with your asshole coworker…that’s right, just listen. And I know you want to stop and look at designer shows. You know what else? Your dog just got a new best friend.
This is not how the OED defines feminist
Right now, mostly looking for non-monogamous dating or friends with benefits. If you want a hookup: I’m good, giving, and game, and give great head. I’m a feminist, which means I know that no means no, I don’t think “hey bb u wan sum fuk?” messages are the best way to get in your pants, and I don’t believe in slut-shaming. 6’1″ and size 13 shoes (you can figure out the rest). If you want to date: smart, funny, beer brewing, motorcycle riding, foul mouthed atheist. Cat owner & dog lover.
I mean, chocolate’s not that expensive? I can buy my own
I think the thing about online dating that has always irked me the most is the whole self-testimonial thing. Tell potential romantic partners about yourself, etc. I know we can lie on first dates too, but there’s something about writing out a selling speech that drive me nuts. So, if you’re interested in someone (me) you should just ask those questions. I can’t wait to answer them. Sum up: I am an archivist, musician, avid movie/tv watcher, dog lover, and love to give girls chocolate.
Please god no
Hey girl, I’m the 6’4″ male form of the pumpkin spice latte, only better. Let’s talk about our feelings and cuddle. KCCO!
So…um…what is that, exactly?
Runner, world traveler, volunteer & philanthropist, progressive liberal without the stereotypes, hiker, mountaineer, sailor, soccer player, track athlete and road runner, budding chef, linguist, artist, photographer, painter. All the things you want in a bad boy without the lack of IQ or respect for women.
But I have 20/20 vision
I aim to change your view of men. The only thing that holds us back is some degree of self-doubt. Most girls say they love my olive skin.
THE “I DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU”
Well, that’s fine. I don’t want to have sex with you either.
Can cats ride horses?
Where are the words to put into perspective the person I am? Jack of all traders; master of few. Music makes my world go ’round. I make every attempt to be humble, and honest. No, I’m not after your puss…get off your high horse.
Make up your mind, already
I’m 5’11″….You shallow sloots
EDM is Fantastic
If you’re just looking for a one night stand.. Swipe left..
Well.. Never mind…Swipe right
Handstands don’t impress me
Seahawks can suck it
You say keep away, I say okay
I don’t take this thing seriously. I have honestly given up on the female populace; you ladies can’t be trusted. I just enjoy judging if you are attractive or not just like you ladies do. Sarcasm is my first language; No I won’t hook up with you; No I won’t pay for your dinner or drinks either. I am the worst guy you could ever date. Keep away. You have been warned. Plus you ladies can’t keep up with me anyway.
This is embarrassing for everyone
Late night organ donor
After that he disown ya
After that he just hopeless
Soul mates become soul less
Thanks for explaining to me how this app I’m using works. I wasn’t sure.
Please keep in mind that when I’m hitting the “X” or the “heart” I’m basically just saying I’m interested in this person visually, or I’m not. That simple. Don’t know anything beyond your photo! That basically makes this a “hookup app”, but I’m open to friends and a possible relationship too if the right one comes along.
THE TRULY BAFFLING
I… I just… either we have a different understanding of how the English language works, or…are there love languages I don’t know about? Or a drug I can take that will help me understand what’s happening here?
Maybe I don’t know what 420 friendly means?
I bite. Hard. I have no tattoos or piercings and I’m not impressed by either. I party occasionally. Not 420 friendly but I do smoke a lot of weed. I’m a short guy but I’m confident as f***. One thing is for sure you Tinder girls do NOT want to hook up. If I message you don’t be rude, say hi, be nice. Otherwise I will obliterate you with my mind.
I just wanna do hood rat shit with my friends. Likes – laughing, dogs, ponies, music festivals, knife fights, outdoor activities, indoor activities, coaching/training boxing, yoga, good vibes, motivated individuals, open minds, the occasional bill found in my pocket and most importantly the little things that make life sweet – Dislikes– tummy aches, closed minds, laziness
I feel like you’re in love with your best friend
hi! Not really sure what I’m doing here… Meeting new people.? I work hard.. Play harder and train for my next race. I’m crazy about sport… Dogs.. Good food.. And genuine people. My best friends first impression of me was that I was an asshole, I thanked her… And learned not to be. Ha! But seriously. I was – it sucked.
Is this a weight watchers point system?
Non-smoker = 10 points
Sternum tattoo (et. al) = 20 points
Regular squatter = 50 points
Healthy eater = 100 points
You had me until zoo
“Any zoo is a petting zoo if you aren’t a little bitch.” –Abraham Lincoln
If you love Leg Day, dive bars, trivia nights, rugby, dogs, bacon or ‘Merica, we’ll get along. Thigh Shy need not apply. Homophobes need not apply.
Channing Tatum started as a stripper
So my dating circle are the people I work with. However I work with strippers and they aren’t the sanest of individuals. Bonus points go to girls with tats, nerd girls, tall girls, good teeth (really weird and big pet peeve)
Journalist isn’t a proper noun. Dick is. If that’s your name.
Good with words, which is important, seeing how I’m a f***ing Journalist.
Bad girl Riri
I see the qualities in a bad girl.
I want to work on the way you use periods. Let’s talk.
Far from vain. Uploading a few look at me shots is lame. Wildly untaimed with not much fear in my brain . Exponential love in the heart . Envelop me to shine light thru dark . To provide that spark . So along this blessed journey . I’m a moth to the flame . To the muse who can inspire me — Note: I cut the screenshot of this one off accidentally. We’ll never know! I’m the worst. I’m sorry.