My favorite question to ask people who are planning to do an engagement photo shoot is how often they give their significant other piggyback rides: “Like, once a week? Once a month? Every day?” I don’t think I’ve had or given a piggyback ride since I was 15, when for some reason it was a socially acceptable excuse to touch someone. Here, let me straddle you backwards like a two-year-old and shove my hot breath up against your ear and pretend it’s just a convenient form of transportation.

Then, when you get married, and you’ve both agreed to touch each other for the rest of your lives, you do it again while someone takes pictures of it. While you wear Sunday school clothes to the beach.

I’ve never been in, or to, an engagement photoshoot but I’m 98% sure based on the results I see on the Internet that these are the instructions being given:

“June marriages are the best. It’s a very fertile Lunar cycle. Smile like you’re feeling fertile!”

“Imagine one of you is a kitten and one of you is a teacup. His lips are the teacup handle. Now lift the teacup with your tiny kitten lips.”

“You’re eloping? Did you know elopements are 70% more likely to end in divorce? Act like she’s Persephone, and you’re Pluto, trying to keep her from leaving the Underworld. Yeah, really grip his thigh. Don’t let her go! Never let her go!”

“You’re pregnant and you haven’t told anyone yet, even him. Now sit in his lap and let him feel your belly.”

“He’s a hot priest and you’re confessing your premarital sex with him to him.”

“Are you uncomfortable? Good. Now touch your foreheads, and think about her grandparents’ dirty names for each other: Pop-Up Pops and Quick Grip Pootie Gatootie.”