I’ve never understood “friends with benefits.”

First of all, the phrase kills me—don’t all friendships have benefits? Like, you know, warmth and good feelings and people who help you move and comfort you when you’re sad and explain to you why everyone on Bachelor in Paradise is so obsessed with Samantha and feed you dinner when you’ve had cereal three nights in a row and answer you when you text them pictures from a changing stall asking which pair of jeans make your butt look better?

Second of all, if you like someone enough to be their friend, which has to include some modicum of emotional support, and to see them regularly, and to touch them in private places (or public, whatever)…how is that not someone you’re interested in dating?

Here is a list of activities friends might do together:

  • Eat brunch
  • Talk about things
  • Work out or do something active
  • Have a drink at a bar
  • Watch Netflix
  • Climb a very steep hill in nature while carrying really heavy things (“hiking”)
  • Poop outdoors together and sleep on the ground like animals (“camping”)
  • Go to an aquarium. I have a thing for aquariums. Specifically, jellyfish.
  • Listen to music at badly balanced levels that will definitely damage your eardrums (“concert”)
  • Complain about work together (“quality time”)
  • Hug

Here is a list of activities people dating might do together:

  • Eat brunch
  • Talk about things
  • Work out or do something active
  • Have a drink at a bar
  • Watch Netflix
  • Climb a very steep hill in nature while carrying really heavy things (“hiking”)
  • Poop outdoors together and sleep on the ground like animals (“camping”)
  • Go to an aquarium. I have a thing for aquariums. Specifically, jellyfish.
  • Listen to music at badly balanced levels that will definitely damage your eardrums (“concert”)
  • Complain about work together (“quality time”)
  • Hug
  • Kiss
  • Naked hug

Maybe I’m doing friendships wrong?