Dear Friends Who Stop Calling Friends Back,

How are you? It’s been so long since I’ve heard from you. I know you’re busy with your new boyfriend, weekly kickball game, baby, decade-specific cover band, celebrity gossip addiction, and/or family drama wherein your brother created a viral youtube video and your grandmother saw him smoking pot in it. But. I would appreciate it if you would call me back anyway.

Also, if you are at the point where you are not calling me because it has been so long since you called that you are scared I will be mad, that’s just ridiculous. I mean, probably true, but that’s no way to go through life. Plus, it will be more awkward when you run into me at the grocery store and you’re buying Us Weekly and Febreze to spray on your brother for the family Thanksgiving dinner.