Look, it’s the end of the semester, and I don’t want to brag, but— in the past 16 weeks, I have:

• DONE A LOT OF THINGS
• WRITTEN A LOT OF WORDS
• READ EVEN MORE WORDS
• AND taught 32 eighteen-year-olds how to put numbers in parentheses before periods (213).  Actually, I’m still not sure if they know how to do this, but fingers crossed!  …They can always YouTube it.

My point is that I need to go lie on the floor in this room for a while:

bookshelfporn.com

while somebody brings me hot tea and crumpets.

….Why do I always turn British at the end of the semester?

Cheerio,

MM

I should probably start by saying I haven’t actually read a single thing about you getting dumped by Justin Timberlake.

I did, however, see a magazine cover while I was waiting in line at the Rite Aid from about seven feet away. It included highlights such as: Justin dumps Jessica over the phone! And, She won’t let go!

a) Ouch. Over the phone? I mean, can’t a girl get a video chat in this day and age? I’m sorry.

b) I understand why it’s hard to let go. It’s always hard to let go. No matter what. Harder, probably, to let go, when the person in question is Justin “Best Recovery Ever From Frosted Tips” Timberlake.

c) That being said, it’s best for all of us if you let go. I find you shockingly uninteresting and the only thing I know that you’ve done since 7th Heaven (…talk about a misleading title…) is Summer Catch.

d) Justin, call me!

e) I highly recommend the cliche of a pint of ice cream and Sex and the City reruns. Though I know people who prefer to work out after a break-up, and that’s cool too if it’s your thing (I do not understand this, but like I said, I’m supportive.)

Best,

MM

You, my friend, are like a kidney stone.

We will all feel better once you have passed out of our blocked system and can roam freely in the world.

Hurry it up,

MM

PS– For a more factual letter– I mean, the kidney stone thing is pretty accurate, but it’s still not a fact, we all know I don’t look things up– please read on below to guest letter from SM. Views presented below reflect those of the guest author. Views presented above by regular author are not meant to offend kidney stones.

You make me sad. Who has forgotten you? Do they not want you anymore?

You lie there, wet and wrinkled and tangled about the central spinner like forgotten ribbons at the Maypole.  Stuck, you cannot move on to the next phase of your life (the warm and woolly dryer).

I do not want to move you to the counter. It would mark you as permanently displaced, to be so interrupted in your natural cycle. And yet– I too have needs, and my laundry too needs to be washed (but not forgotten). So I sigh and reach in, reluctant to embrace your clammy being, and lift and set as gently as I can on the cleanest spot I find, saying a little apologia in my head to the person with whom you belong.

I wish you all the best.

May you be re-washed and dried immediately, may you be folded carefully and stored away with hands that love your clean, new feel.

MM