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Dear I’ve never seen Titanic: do I see it now?

13 Apr

I didn't know Rose and Jack were into light choking play! Maybe I really should go see this movie.

I’m going to tell you guys a secret that I’ve never told anyone except whoever is around whenever the subject comes up: I’ve never seen Titanic.

It came out in December 1997. I was in sixth grade then. This doesn’t explain why I didn’t see it. Crista Saunders saw it FOURTEEN TIMES IN THE THEATER. That’s 2,716 minutes. Or 45.27 hours of her life. Probably more because that doens’t factor in previews. Of course, there weren’t ads back then, so it really was previews. It’s $105 (if movies were $7.50 back then, which I think is about right). Where does a sixth grader get that kind of money? How does a sixth grader convince her mother to give her a ride to the mall and then pick her up that many weekends in a row? Was it in the theater for 14 weeks (3.5 months)? Is that how long blockbuster movies stick around? Or did she see it multiple times in one weekend?

This of course does not factor in how many times she listened to the soundtrack in between viewings.

Frank saw it twice in the theaters. He was in 8th grade and he says it was because his middle school girlfriend let him touch her breasts afterward. Let’s face it: he couldn’t resist the romance. We were in a leaky canoe once and he kept crying, “I’ll never let go” in a falsely high voice which is what he does when he’s “being ironic” but is actually sincere (god he’s just like Will Arnett). I suppose I don’t have to tell you that “I’ll never let you go” is Rose’s line.

And he’s always trying to sneak up behind me when we’re on any kind of height– he pretends it’s a sexual advance but that doesn’t explain why his arms are outspread and his eyes are closed.

(He’s accepted the Will Arnett reference as a compliment. But is mad about everything else and now is angry-making my sandwich for lunch, saying something about emasculation and and a gun show. I’m like, I hear you and I respect you. More avocado, Winslet, less whine with that cheese.)

So! The Pros (to see it) and Cons (to not see it) List:

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Did Hillary Clinton Hire Adam Smith and Stacy Lambe of Texts from Hillary?

11 Apr

Why is no one asking if Hillary’s communications team hired Adam Smith and Stacy Lambe?

The two are “communications professionals” in Washington, DC. They create Texts from Hillary, which goes viral and gives her an incredible visibility boost. Articles are written, including one in the NYT by Maureen Dowd, about how they’re helping her reputation and boosting her popularity. Other news sources that get in on it: The Washington Post, Yahoo News, ABC Nightly News (they thanked Diane Sawyer in their twitter feed), The Today Show, Time.com (the original photo appeared in Time Magazine, back in November 2011), The Los Angeles Times. Smith and Lambe were subsequently invited to the State Department, met with Secretary Clinton personally, and now have quit the meme that made them famous.

Here’s the timeline:

On April 4th the tumblr goes up.

By April 10th Secretary Clinton sends her own meme submission, in which she texts the founders of the tumblr.

Also on April 10th, Smith and Lambe meet Secretary Clinton at the State Department. They post a picture of themselves with Secretary Clinton on the tumblr, all 3 holding their phones, as evidence that the submission was, in fact, from her (or at least from her team). They also post on Twitter: “We just met with the Secretary. She was gracious, funny, and you will love one of the pics.” At the meeting, they’re each given a signed hard copy of her meme submission– the inscription in the picture they post (to Twitter, first, now also at The Huffington Post) reads, Adam–thanks for the many lolz. Hillary “Hillz”

Secretary Clinton with Adam Smith and Stacy Lambe-- (from Texts with Hillary Clinton)
http://textsfromhillaryclinton.tumblr.com/post/20853280902/texting-with-secretary-hillary-clinton-proof-of

On April 11th, Smith and Lambe announce on Texts from Hillary that “we think it’s time to stop while we are ahead” and that “when you get to text with her in real life– it’s just over. At least for us.”

All well and good. But why is no one asking if they’ve been hired onto Hillary’s team?

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Dear I Love “Texts from Hillary” and You Do Too: Here’s Why

9 Apr

Dear I Love “Texts from Hillary“ and You Do Too: Here’s Why,

Because we secretly believe that every celebrity knows every other celebrity. Because when we hear that Gwyneth Paltrow is having sleepovers with Beyonce, we nod our heads. That makes sense. When completely random celebrities date each other, we’re like– Oh. That hasn’t happened yet? 

Why do Hillary fans love it? Because it unapologetically celebrates the way we see her (yes, we, have you met me?): fierce, in charge, not impressed with people who aren’t impressive, getting.things.done.

original image by Diana Walker from Time

It recasts her for people who weren’t fans– it reframes their supposed complaints that she’s “mean,” “cold,” or “unsympathetic.” Even my friend who every single time I post about her on FB comments with something about how much he dislikes her, even he posted a link to Texts from Hillary Clinton saying, “…I think these may turn me into a Hillary Clinton fan…”

He can ellipses that as if it’s accompanied by the Jaws music all he wants— I did a little dance.

This is what her campaign needed in 2008, this is what her communications director was staying awake at night trying to find: an ability to *flip* switch the nation’s view of her. The problem was, you can’t argue your way into that.

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Dear Crazy Writer Person

28 Mar

Dear Crazy Writer Person,

So I’ve done this thing where I’ve spent the last three years studying and writing poetry. If you’re at UPenn getting a MBA, this makes me “crazy” and also “poor.” If you’re from my West Coast liberal academic family, this makes me “in California” and a “graduate student.” If you’re Liz Lemon or Jack Donaghy, this makes me “the worst.”

I’m not a crazy artist. Hell, I’m wearing boat shoes right now, and I just got out of the shower. (What I’m not telling is that I’m wearing only the boat shoes).

This is not to say that I don’t talk to myself. I live alone. If I didn’t talk to myself, nobody would.

I just don’t fulfill all the stereotypes, or even most of them, that people have for “artists.” For example, you should have seen the look this poet gave me when I told him I listen to “top 40″ on the radio. It was a combination of “Who ARE you?” and “Back away, don’t you dare breathe Katy Perry on my shirt.” Because it’s catchy (catching?), and even he knows it. Then he sighed and I said “girl look at that body.“ (That link leads to Barack Obama singing ‘Sexy and I Know It’. Click on it. Now.)

But neither do most artists fulfill the stereotypes. Them being stereotypes and all. Still– they exist, and what’s even better, people you wouldn’t expect hold them. Like your mom. (And I just laughed, because I said “your mom”. Oh, poets! We’re such a riot.)

Exhibit One:

My friend A, who is super responsible and reliable (except she’s decided she wants to be a writer of rewritten Greek mythologies that explore contemporary women’s struggles (I know, what a flake, right??)), ran into this at Thanksgiving. She’d called her parents and left a message telling them when to expect her for the holiday. They never received the voicemail. Instead of calling to ask her when she was coming home, her mom told a friend, “Oh, you know that A! She’s my bohemian daughter! Who knows when she’ll show up! Today, tomorrow, an hour before dinner…I just don’t even try to keep track anymore.” That’s basically what people say about drug addicts.

Exhibit Two:

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Dear Birthday

23 Mar

Dear Birthday,

So! It’s my birthday today, along with at least two people I went to school with and two grandpas of people I went to school with.

I try not to take birthdays as days of reflection and assessment. Why ruin a perfectly good cake day with all that thinking? Besides, being type-A, if I let myself think too long about what other people had done by the time they turned 26, I get all wound up and try to write an award-winning short story and cure cancer and run a marathon and create a media empire and generally kill myself with anxiety that I’m not taller, more baller.

It doesn’t help that one of the people I went to school with who was born on this day has been in Silicon Valley (or wherever those people who do these things go) inventing technology and designing things since he was 17 and was recently named on one of Forbes 30-under-30 people to watch lists and generally is making a lot of money doing something he appears to love and is very, very good at. I don’t think about that at all! Nope. Not for an instant. And I totally do not cling to the fact that when his mother made him invite me to his birthday party in kindergarten, he overhand threw a water balloon in my face from about five feet away. Ah, to be touched by greatness….or the snap of overextended rubber across the bridge of your nose [no jokes, please].

But like I said, I’m totally not thinking about that sort of thing today!

Or the fact that my parents got married at 26 and were buying their first house, which could put some sort of weird pressure on me to hurry up and find some guy to marry me. Stat. And by stat I mean that Vegas is five hours and 14 minutes away, so if you allow that extra 46 minutes to find a chapel and stand in line, and then subtract from 11 pm, I have until 6 pm to find the groom. EVERYBODY PANIC.

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