Archive for the ‘Fan Mail’ Category

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Dear Kathryn Bigelow

9 March 2010

Dear Kathryn Bigelow,

CONGRATULATIONS!  Youuuu aaare sooo beauuutiful….oh wait. No. Accomplished. Talented. High-achieving.  Determined. Hard-working.  Intelligent.  Go ahead and pick.  How would you like to be described?

(Besides, of course, as the first female to win an Oscar for Best Director.)

Who was surprised to hear a woman’s never won Best Director? How about this one– only 4 women have ever been nominated?

How about this— neither should surprise you.  Of 2009’s 250 top releases, only 7% were directed by women.  With those numbers, no wonder (from NJ. com.  I don’t know what this website is but it has statistics so sold).

Now, who was shocked that a woman had to direct a war movie in order to win? (Not me.)

This is weird, but true: war is still a “men’s issue”, love is still a “women’s issue”.  “History” is a men’s field (in literature and films=epics) and “family” is a woman’s expertise (in literature and films=indie, romantic comedies, dramas). Ok, so statistics don’t lie: more war movies and books are, in fact, written/directed by men, and more romantic comedies/family dramas by women.  Fine.  A general trend.  But here’s the fun part!  There’s a hierarchy here. No way, right?!? This is all part of how Publisher’s Weekly managed to select a “gender-blind” top ten list that consisted solely of men.  Because writing is often gendered in subject and style and we (as a society, not you and me, but maybe even us) value “men’s” subjects and style more.  Not because it is better.  Value is determined by consumers.  Value changes– or can change, which means it was once decided upon.  It is not a law of nature (turns out there are very few of those).

So Kathryn: CONGRATULATIONS.  I SALUTE YOUR ACHIEVEMENT.

Now, let’s get more women into that director’s chair and see if changing the number’s game changes the awards shows.

Cheers (literally, a toast!)

MM

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Dear Lady Gaga

5 March 2010

Dear Lady Gaga,

Sister, you are batshit crazy.  Your chiropractor must be well-paid, right? This is taking headgear to a whole new level. And your dermatologist? Definitely your podiatrist? Maybe your psychiatrist?

But here’s the thing. I think you, sweet bat wings, are not actually insane.  I don’t think you need the gimmicks, because clearly you’re talented, but they are obviously part of a PLAN. Possibly for intergalactic glory.  I’ve heard that you’ve admitted to megastardom aspirations. (Like Madonna and Michael Jackson, but possibly combined and thrown in a blender and then multiplied by a billion. Is it true you put every penny you earn back into your shows to make them as mind-blowing as possible?)

I actually watched one of your music videos the other day after it was called to my attention by Tamiko Beyer, blogging at Kenyon Review (yes, that’s a literary journal blog).  Tamiko pointed out that the Bad Romance video “is complex, disturbing, self-referential, and sexy.”  She also has some interesting analysis of the way you are using costume and performance to make your body a “site/act of creation and destruction at the same time” and how this speaks to our need to move past gender and sexuality–thoughts, Miss Gaga? Care to agree/disagree?  I think you’re shockingly pretty and I also am okay with it if you want to hide that behind masks, make-ups, glitters, and plastic.  Just because you’re attractive does not mean we have a right to look at you and enjoy that beauty.  But the insane layers and papier mache constructions seem uncomfortable. And requires an insane amount of dedication to something and I can’t help but feel that something is well-thought-out and strategic.  Also I still think I would wear a nicely tailored cotton dress to meet the Queen of England.

Anyway, I would call “Bad Romance” a “really potent creepy feminist” music video.  What can I say? I call it like I see it.  Not that it isn’t sexy.  Not that it isn’t complex.  But it’s also creepy and it’s definitely feminist.  You, my dear, are doing some fierce and intellectual and disturbing things here.  Whether or not you prance around in lingerie, this is not a Victoria’s Secret ad.  This is not playing to fantasies of dominance.  It’s taking them apart and twisting their guts and playing with the consequences.

Also, I bet when you’re at home you live in super-cover-up cover sweatpants and fleece and never wear make-up and maybe only flip-flops.  Maybe you go barefoot and your whole floor is covered in grass or sand.

Anyway, you’ve got our attention, Lady Gaga.  You’ve got the so-called cosmic microphone. Please continue to do something interesting with it.

Blessings,

MM

PS– This one’s old but so worth another watch: Ciara’s “Like a Boy” video. DAMN GIRL. (Anyone want to teach me to dance like that?)

Other favorite (feminist) music videos?

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Dear Zoo

26 February 2010

From John James Audobon. So you know it's real.

Dear Zoo,

You fill me with joy.

Also, potentially, with tired feet and hopefully, sticky fingers from something disgusting to eat like cotton candy. Maybe rage when the little kids won’t get out of my way to let me see the pandas.

So the thing about the San Diego zoo is they tell you it’s too big to walk around and then make you wait in a giant wooden structure that looks a lot like the playground at my elementary school before they decided that little kids shouldn’t have the opportunity to jump off essentially a three-story building. Then they pack you onto buses and drive you around. And you can’t see anything because you’re on a bus so you can’t get even near a crowded fence.

I am always surprised, however, at how clear the gate is around the flamingos. Their knees! They bend backwards! Is that not the craziest thing you’ve ever heard???

I thought so.

MM

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Dear Zac Efron in “17 Again” (guest letter)

23 February 2010

dear zac efron in “17 AGAIN,”

OH-EM-GEE. you wear that shirt welllll, boy. even though the plaid of it is so indiscreetly target brand, i like your STYLE. you make a collarless black leather jacket look good, and that’s really saying something. plus– the way your bangs stay against your forehead no matter what speed you’re moving at–now THAT is sexy. how do you do it, zac efron? how do you make dance moves with a basketball look more than plausible? how do you pretend to be straight enough to make vanessa hudgens want to sleep with you? is she just a high school (musical) thing? even when you were hitting on that mom who is played by judd apatow’s wife when you were supposedly young matthew perry, i watched with one eye just to see your hairless chest flash in the fake hollywood yard set. thank goodness for your BOD, zac efron. now all you have to do is say yes to a role that’s not set in high school.

xoxo,
your secret overage admirer

(by special guest contributor Taylor Katz) (not so secret)

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Dear 7-Eleven

9 February 2010

Dear 7-Eleven,

My sister has lived near you for a couple of years now, and frequently extolled the glory of your proximity.  I was all, yeah ok great totally! 7-eleven! abso-wonder-lutely.

Now I live half a block from one of your glorious locations and oh! 7-eleven! YOU HAVE EVERYTHING. My neighbors call you “the pantry” and for good reason.

Cold drinks. Beer. Wine. Cereal. Juice. Brown Sugar. Condoms. Firewood. Magazines. Marshmallows. Chips. Salsas. Crackers. Cheese. Milk. Eggs. Doughnuts. Donettes. Coffee. Cream. Batteries. Tape. Paper. Notebooks. Granola bars. Gummy bears. Gummy worms. Bananas. Chocolate milk (oooh). Hot dogs. Cream cheese. Scissors. Peanuts. Flashlights. Sunflower seeds. Candy bars. Pretzels. Little clippy thingies. Ice cream. Ice cream sandwiches (helloooo).

You see my point. You must concede my point: you are fantastic. You even have a redbox DVD rental for $1 a day now. HEY-O.

I do have one question though– can you explain why, every time I walk in your doors, I must look at everything? Even when I know very specifically what I want and I’m late?

I am never going to buy one of those hot dogs. Why must I walk by and look at them?

That’d be great. Thanks. Otherwise, keep up the good work.

Blessings,

MM

PS– Maybe you could start stocking rice? I mean, only if you want to. It’s cool if you’re too busy being awesome.

PPS– I know I didn’t list Slurpees. It’s because I don’t like them. Leave the pitchforks at home, please.

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