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Dear Being Done

15 May

My stuff gets picked up in exactly a week (in some sort of giant crate-box), so I should definitely not go shopping today.

But how much room can a tank top or two take up? Maybe they’re even needed for soft packing. It’s basically altruism. 

And when I’m moving in a week, it’s not like I’m all of a sudden going to get real ambitious about how clean my stove is. Or try to make new friends. In other words, idle hands…

Oh. Did I mention that I’m done with graduate school? I’m FREE. Like the wind, or other things that we attempt to make work for us without pay because they have almost no monetary-valued skills. 

I’m a master of poetry. It’s like being a wizard except people give you even stranger looks when you tell them that you have a masters degree in writing poems than if you tell them you have magic powers. And you don’t have magic powers. And not even the supernerds are sure if you’re cool or lame. But other than that. The same.

MM

PS– Don’t worry, I’ll still be here post-graduation. I started this blog before entering graduate school, if you didn’t know, and I’ll continue it after. 

Dear “The Loved Ones”: High School is Hard Enough (Mitt Romney, I’m looking at you)

14 May

Some things about this trailer are perfect. The music in the first 30 seconds, the boys’ unwashed hair, the way conversations about prom happen at lockers (I got asked to prom standing at my locker wearing an old sweatshirt, and no, there wasn’t a speech prepared, there weren’t flowers or a sign, I knew he was asking me in a half-panic after his first choice had said yes to someone else during lunch).

You know what else is perfect? The fact that Holly looks about 10 years older than her boyfriend Brendan. Eighteen-year-old boys are BABIES, you guys. Are they not drinking milk? Because the hormones in milk are not doing to boys what they’re doing to girls.

And then at 1:28, fake-Lena-Dunham goes all American psycho on her crush! Watch:

THE BRITISH ACCENT. THE “SUCK IT” FINGER. THE HAMMERED TOE. The conjunctivitis eyeliner. And then, because they couldn’t resist, they threw in the girlfight in the prom dresses. Special to Adam Best of Flicksided: while I buy the Texas Chainsaw Massacre reference, I somehow really doubt this ever “meets Sixteen Candles.”

How does this end? My prom night ended when we got kicked out of the hotel room where we weren’t even drinking (and not planning to stay the night, it was just a party thrown by my date’s first choice) and went for pancakes at IHOP and then I was dropped off at a very respectable hour. No one that I was close to lost anything that night– not toenails, nor virginity, nor sense of humanity. Maybe an earring.

What’s with this prom-horror genre? Do we have such a strong sense of prom as an American rite of passage that we’re all, “If they can ruin PROM, then nothing’s sacred?”

Please.

Read on to see how I magically work this around to Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s childhood bullying and what it means for America:  (more…)

Dear Star Wars Day

4 May

I would say something about Star Wars Day– most popular seems to be “May the Fourth” be with you– but I haven’t seen most of the movies. And by that I mean I’ve seen one.

This is totally me:

Look, it’s really hard to get into at this point. I don’t have any emotional or psychological attachment to it, and the visual effects are terrible, and the acting is worse. And we’re supposed to buy this romance thing? And that flimsy brother-sister plot device they created when they realized NO ONE thought Luke was appealing as a romantic lead so they had to throw up an obstacle and put Han-no-s Solo in that (sexual) position? WHAT IS WITH THE HAIR.

Of course, I spent the whole time watching the one movie I have seen going, “OHHHHHHH.” Right? The cultural references are so pervasive. I felt like I was watching a parody of the original. Like there was a movie that everyone loves and quotes all the time, so much so that someone went ahead and remade it, awkwardly sticking in a list of “most quoted” moments in a complete caricature of itself.

I could note here that I also didn’t see ET or Donnie Darko as a child and I stinkin’ loved those movies when I finally saw them.

I’d make fun of it more but a) it’s hard to mock things you haven’t seen and b) I don’t want you guys burning down my house. You can yell at me now. I’ll just turn up the volume on Buffy and you can let me know when it’s over. Does it make it better or worse that I also haven’t seen Star Trek but I’ve seen both Galaxy Quest and Spaceballs?

MM

Dear “West Wing”

1 May

Speaking of tv shows….West Wing had a reunion! A walk & talk reunion. The best kind.

Dear “Girls”

1 May

This is why I’m not writing about “Girls”: Tom and Lorenzo have got it covered in a scant 500 words.

Also I don’t have HBO.

Frank, by the way, is in the background muttering “Thank god” and “So can you stop telling me what all the articles say already?” Because I also have a compulsive need to click-click on any analysis about “Girls.”  

Speaking of Frank, I told him we were moving to Seattle when I gave notice with my rent check this morning. He got all huffy for some reason. “You can’t decide my life! You don’t know me! …I’m a sentient being in this relationship and I demand to have a say! Yada YADA YADA yada.”

When I pointed out how much closer Seattle is to his motherland (CANADA!), Frank settled down into a steady whine. At some point I think I heard the words, Romney can’t catch me there— ? And then it just sounded like he was quietly chanting hockey-hockey-hockey-hockey-hockey under his breath for about an hour.

Now he’s making my sandwich for lunch and sorting through what to keep of the kitchen supplies and talking about how he didn’t really like “Tiny Furniture” all that much, anyway: “Can’t that Lena chick smile? I don’t think she laughed once in that movie. Sure, I like her message about embracing your own body, but…life’s just not that bad, eh? Even if your girlfriend is an evil dictator.”

God he’s a sap and a romantic.

xo,

MM

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