My Tinder profile right now says:

Just trying to date one lumberjack before I die.

I have gotten a variety of amazing and tedious responses to this. I have named all of these guys after their profile types. I’d like to explain to you that these guys, their pictures…they are things, on Tinder. These are categorical types.

Instead of species, you have “dude on snowy mountain in tank top.”

Guy wearing karate…scrubs? Is that what they’re called? I’m going with it. Guy wearing karate scrubs
I’m not a lumberjack, but I have used chop sticks : – )

Guy with a picture of himself with trees
It was the lumberjack picture that got your attention wasn’t it? I really like your sense of style.

Guy who’s cropped six other people out of a picture at a wedding
Hey hey! So my first question is this: when you say “lumberjack,” do you mean actual tree-chopping lumberjack?

Guy with a bike, in a climbing harness, crossing a finish line, swimming, whose profile says “If you’ve an opinion on Camus’ response to the Absurd and Foucault’s analysis of power, hit me.”
Yosh! Why a lumberjack? Worry not, I only do deep psychoanalysis in person. : )

Guy who wears half unbuttoned button downs in every picture
So….I’m not a lumberjack but I’ve been told I look like one when I don’t shave for a week and wear flannel shirts. Doesn’t that count for something???

Guy who is holding a banjo in one picture, a guitar in another, a glassblower in a third
Him: You’re not planning on dying soon, though, right?

Me: Not if I can help it!

Him: Good! ; ) I just posted a moment in tribute to your wish.

[So I look and he’s posted a Precious Moment, a sepia-toned picture of an old-fashioned lumberjack on the side of a mountain. My first Precious Moment dedicated just to me! This is what I get instead of dick pics. Yooow.]

Guy in a tank top on a snowy mountain
Haha, please say you swiped right for the beard!

Guy looking for a new rock climbing partner (haha! sucker)
Well I’m not a lumberjack but I’m pretty good with a chain saw

Guy wearing medical scrubs. 
I’m not a lumberjack but I bet I could jack you up real nice with my lumber!

[He unmatched me right after sending me this message, which is too bad. I had some real gems of things to say in response.]