2008 October « Dear Mr. Postman

Archive | October, 2008

To the Office of the Vice President

To the Office of the Vice President:

First, thank you for your continued service to this country.

Second, it seems there is the need for some clarification regarding your duties and responsibilities. I would like to remind you that any information regarding the lawful parameters of your role can be found in the United States Constitution. If you’re having trouble pinpointing where, try Article 1 Section 3, and Article 2 Section 1. If you would like to know what will happen in case of your death, refer to the 25th Amendment. If you’re still having trouble, a summary is provided below:

Article 1 Section 3: if there’s a tie in the Senate, you can break it. You might not want to, there are political repercussions.
Article 2 Section 1: you can open an envelope. In the presence of others. So the votes inside can be counted (not by you).
25th Amendment: if the President dies, and you die, the House Speaker gets the spot. If he dies, the president pro tempore, and if he dies, please refer to the British line of succession. There is also some very clear and nuanced information regarding other scenarios in which you become acting president. Please read them carefully and avoid creative interpretation.

Third, despite your recent attempt at exploration and self-definition, this organization is very strictly structured. Please feel encouraged instead to work on self-awareness. You work in the Executive branch.

All of the above applies to you currently and furthermore, will apply to you in the coming years. For recent offenses, please refer to the entire tenure of Dick Cheney and several comments made by Sarah Palin (see the transcript of the 2008 VP Debate as an example). Joe Biden appears to have a stronger grasp of what this position entails, but he also seems to have trouble reading the instructions on his teeth-whitening kit, so that will be taken into consideration when evaluating his application.

If you are lacking motivation, or if this position has become undesirable, please note that 14 of the 44 former vice presidents have become president. Also, you should know that seven vice presidents have died in office (one in his office in the capitol and two when fatally stricken on their way to the Senate. For other history regarding yourself, see Mark O. Hatfield’s biography here.) Harry Truman, you should know that playing the piano while Lauren Bacall sits on top of it is also inappropriate behavior, although a considerably more amusing and harmless misuse of power than those of late.

Please consider this an official warning. Further action will be taken on November 4th, and an evaluation will be conducted every four years thereafter.

Sternly,

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Categories Disciplinary Memos

Dear Bill

27 Oct

Dear Bill,

You know that you will always be important to me. How could you not be? Even before I truly knew you, one of the first times I saw you, I felt drawn to you. “Why’s Bill on TV?” I asked my parents when I was eight. They laughed, and corrected me—we don’t call politicians by their first names, they said, you should say Bill Clinton or the President. But it felt right.

I know a sixteen-year-old who shook your hand, went home, and told her mother, I know why Monica did it.

I too know why Monica did it.

You are inexpressibly charming, a southern Democrat for the ages. The way you massaged that interviewer’s wrist last night is such a classic example of the way you make people want to give you what you want. When you talk, the enticing accent of Arkansas washes over me as I remember our times in Brainland and our vacations in Heartland, and I almost cannot go through with what I know I must do.

Bill, it’s over. There’s someone else. I have learned so much during our time together, and will never forget what you have taught me about how a face should look when one is praised publicly (half seduce-you-tonight and half yeah-that’s-right). But I was young when I fell for you, and I know now that it was just a crush. My new relationship has not been easy, but it is real and it is based in an understanding of adult responsibilities. We have common interests and are willing to do whatever it will take to make it work. Bill, I am in love with your wife Hillary.

You are charming, it’s true, but she is a fighter. I cannot resist the determination in her voice, the grit in her teeth, the way she loves me and my stories. Who else could make a comeback after what you did to her, could capture the white middle-class and the Black and the Hispanic vote, who else could morph into a shot-and-a-beer kind of gal while wearing an orange pantsuit and pearls? I think she wears animal print underwear beneath those jacket buttons. It makes her strong, it makes her audacious. It makes her want it all, and so she hungers after health care and money for the soldiers in Iraq, she craves not just relief for student loans, but rights for workers. And yes, things aren’t going her way right now, but she is still my candidate.

I hope you can forgive me. I care about you very much and wish you well. You will always be my first politician.

All my best,